


The Reason For Moving On

by popushikuru



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Reader-Insert, Romance, Sibling Love, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25408594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popushikuru/pseuds/popushikuru
Summary: You chuckle. “I know it’s your favourite. That’s why I got it. And wipe your drool, you idiot. It’s gross.”If someone was watching you, they’d be surprised to see that you don’t split the popsicle into two. You simply lick the end of it with a small smile.It’s not because you’re a selfish big sister. It’s because your little brother can’t eat it.He’s dead.--Since you were little, you've been able to see ghosts. It's not ideal, but it's the reason why you still get to be with your little brother even after he dies. He gets to be with you during your transition to high school at Shiratorizowa and the two of you are in awe of the school's super ace, Ushijima Wakatoshi.
Relationships: Ushijima Wakatoshi & Reader, Ushijima Wakatoshi/Original Female Character(s), Ushijima Wakatoshi/Reader
Comments: 82
Kudos: 266





	1. his favourite strawberry popsicle

**Author's Note:**

> Here's another fluffy story but this time with cutie & awko Ushijima hehe. So far I'm hoping for this story to conclude at around 6 chapters... I will edit if needed. I initially wanted this to be another one-shot, but I had all these scenes I wanted to write so it ended up being much longer than that. Hope you enjoy it regardless :)
> 
> Special thanks to my sister who edits all my stories!
> 
> WARNING: reader has a name & so this is not a traditional reader fic

You pull out your wallet and pull out the exact amount of change you need. You’ve gotten the two serving strawberry popsicle so many times, you’ve memorized how much it costs after tax.

This time, you ask for a plastic bag and thank the auntie who owns the convenience store with a polite smile. She nods, returning yours with her sadder smile. You appreciate everything she’s done for your family, but you wish she’d stop looking at you like that. It gets rather depressing.

Before you tear the wrapper, you make your way to the little river that splits your town in two and flatten out the plastic bag before taking a seat on the little hill.

The sun has already set and the hill you sit on allows you to see the little lights in everyone’s homes. The air is cool and fresh from the evening’s recent rain. You love the smell the earth radiates after a day of rain. You find comfort in how refreshing it is.

You start to tear the wrapper and remove it completely, crumpling it in your hand and then placing it by your side. It’s probably a little too cold to be having a popsicle right now but how could you resist your brother’s requests? It was the last day of break before school starts after all.

“Oi! Takeru! Where are you?” you call out into the darkness.

The lack of footsteps makes it seem like he appears out of nowhere in front of you. You’ve gotten used to his sudden appearances though. It doesn’t startle you anymore.

“Ooo! Strawberry! My favourite!”

Takeru excitedly drops himself next to you, palms and knees digging into the grass so that he can peer over your lap at the popsicle. He looks at the popsicle with glittering eyes and a watering mouth. His drool even starts to run down the side of his mouth.

You chuckle. “I know it’s your favourite. That’s why I got it. And wipe your drool, you idiot. It’s gross.”

If someone was watching you, they’d be surprised to see that you don’t split the popsicle into two. You simply lick the end of it with a small smile.

It’s not because you’re a selfish big sister. It’s because your little brother can’t eat it.

He’s dead.

\--

You flick on the lights in your home and kick your shoes off. You recall your dad saying he’ll be working an overnight shift tonight. You almost never see him because he works so much. He picks up a lot of shifts at the hospital to pay for the house, the food and your family’s hospital bills.

Your socks slide across the wood as you make your way down the hallway into a little room that’s dedicated for the family shrine. It used to be your mom’s workstation where she sewed day and night. Her sewing machine has now been moved to the garage.

You kneel in front of the shelf and clap your hands together.

“I’m home, mom,” you whisper bitterly.

“Hi Mom! I’m home too!” Takeru exclaims from behind you.

You light an incense stick on each side of the shelf; one for your mom and one for your little brother.

“You should’ve picked a better photo of me,” Takeru complains. “Like the one where I found that HUGE beetle! Or or, the time I wore the pomelo skin on my head!” he exclaims excitedly.

You chuckle remembering the silly photos. He was covered in mud after catching that beetle. You stand up and reach a hand over to pat his buzzcut. You freeze when you realize what you just tried to do. It felt so natural that your body moved on its own.

You can’t touch someone who’s dead. You just feel a chill when you pass through them, like when you open the freezer and are met with a biting coldness.

You smile sadly as you place your hand back by your side. “No, we can’t use that for your funeral picture, silly.”

You head upstairs to your room and set up a movie for Takeru to watch on your laptop. You’re starting to run out of things to let him watch since he died.

You’re lucky an 8-year-old has no trouble watching his favourite films over and over. He actually loves it. It also meant that you had to watch those silly movies over and over again too.

Thankfully, he also enjoys watching volleyball games with you. You’d scoured long and far for every streamed volleyball game that exists on the internet. He likes watching men’s games because “ _boys are so much cooler than girls”_ but he’ll still agree to watch women’s games for you to learn.

While you leave the film on, you take the time to shower and set up your things for school the next day. You hang up your new school uniform and step back to admire it. The white blazer hasn’t really grown on you yet, but you do really like the purple skirt. Shirtatorizowa’s uniform always looked classy to you.

You head to your desk to pack all the notebooks, folders and pencils into your backpack. You double check that you have everything you need for class and other emergency necessities. Things like a pack of tissues, a container of medicine and some pads. You like to be prepared.

“Hey Takeru, I have to go to bed soon. Is it okay if we save the rest of the movie for tomorrow?” You look up to see his eyes still glued to the screen. “I still need to read you a book,” you add.

Takeru heaves an exasperated sigh before turning to look at you. “Fiiine.”

You close the laptop and make your way to your shelf to grab a book. Takeru has already bounded across the room to take his spot on the inside of the bed, tucked against the wall. He doesn’t like sleeping on the outside because he’s scared a monster under the bed will grab him.

You smile at how little he looks on your bed and then proceed to tuck your legs under the blanket. You read the book as excitedly as you can and stifle a few yawns here and there when you let him try to read on his own.

You used to dread reading his nighttime stories when your mom said she was too busy to. Now you’re happy to do it. You know you don’t have to keep teaching him how to read, but it just feels normal to continue doing this.

You read the last line together and place the book on your bed stand. You yawn as you turn off the lamp and the both of you lie down.

Ghosts don’t need any sleep, but he tells you he’ll lie with you since it’ll help you sleep. You never could sleep during the two weeks he was comatose at the hospital. You felt especially hollow and empty during that time. Your worrying thoughts were on loop in your head, making you want to scream every night.

However, now you have your brother. He makes you feel safe.

You roll onto your side to face your brother. You yawn again before giving him a sleepy smile.

“Good night, Takeru,” you whisper.

“Good night, Onee-san.”

\--

You’ve never slept in since your brother first came back to you as a ghost. After struggling all night to find his way back home from the hospital, he’s made it a routine to wake you up at the break of dawn everyday since.

You remember jolting awake to his voice and immediately running to your dad’s room to tell him that Takeru came home. Your dad sadly smiled and asked him if he had trouble finding his way back home. Takeru told you all about his adventures and you tried your best to keep it concise for your dad’s sake.

Your dad laughed lightly and told your brother how he’s a very smart and brave boy. You’ll never forget the face he made when he spoke to Takeru before getting out of bed.

_“Be a good brother and take care of your big sister. Don’t cause her too much trouble, okay?”_

You found it odd he’d say something like that.

No one explicitly said it, but you knew Takeru was smart enough to understand he died. Just like you remembered him, he was always cheerful, positive and so full of energy. He didn’t let his death bring him down. He’s still all about fun and laughter.

You lay in bed drowsily listening to Takeru tell you all about his last night’s adventures. He visited the neighbour’s dog down the street and went to lie down on the hill by the lake to count all the stars. He said it was hard to keep track of which stars he already counted.

When he finishes, you get dressed and turn on the TV for him to watch the early morning children’s shows. Like on autopilot, you settle into your morning routine. You find it reassuring to do the same things over and over. You’re wary of change.

You head down to the local convenience store. You buy a pork bun for breakfast and thank the auntie with a polite smile. Again, she smiles at you sadly.

You drop the bun off at your house before heading over to your next-door neighbour. The grandma who lived there awaits your arrival and smiles at you sweetly. Her snow-white hair is pulled back tightly into a bun and she’s wearing the same white top and light blue skirt. You recall your mom telling you how she had to alter all of Grandma’s skirts because she’s so small.

“Good morning Kaori dear, did you eat yet?” her wavering voice asks gently.

“Good morning Obaa-chan,” you smile. “I bought a pork bun and will be eating it later.”

You reach your hand over the little metal gate to let yourself in. You make sure you’re quiet when you carefully close it. She leads you to the side of the house where the hose is.

“You should ask your father to make you something healthy for breakfast. You are a growing girl and you are too skinny!” she lightly scolds.

“It’s okay. I can make my own breakfast, I just really like the pork buns there,” you laugh.

You carefully unwind the hose and pull it out to the front yard. You turn the nozzle and begin watering her rose garden. It’s gotten quite big over the years and they all bloom around the same time. It was really a beautiful sight.

You water in silence as Grandma stands closely behind you with her hands clasped behind her back. You enjoy these quiet mornings with her. You’ve been watering her plants for as long as you can remember. She’s not blood-related, but you consider her your own Grandma.

Maybe it’s selfish to assume so. You really do love her.

“My husband is so silly,” she sighs. “Loves roses but has no idea how to maintain them.”

You smile. You miss their banter. It’s been years since Grandma passed away, but she always hangs around at home. You think she hasn’t found peace because she worries so much about the husband she left behind.

When you’re finished, you wind the hose back in its resting place, making sure it looks untouched.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Obaa-chan,” you bow at the waist once you leave her yard.

“Oh? How come not later today?”

“I start high school today,” you say, the edges of your lips curving into a small smile. You’re excited to start at a new school after all.

“Oh goodness! How could I forget!” she exclaims, clapping her hand against her face. “Well, have a wonderful day at school Kaori-chan. Tell me all about it tomorrow.” She gives you a toothless grin and waves as you run back to your house, head turned to keep waving as you leave.

\--

You make your way to the bus stop and remember to plug in some earphones. You weren’t planning to listen to any music though. It was just so you could continue talking to your brother. Everyone else around you would simply think you were in a call with someone.

Takeru walks a few paces in front of you. He has an extra bounce to his skip and his arms swing enthusiastically. It looks like you’re not the only one excited for you to start high school. He turns his head slightly to glance at you.

“Are you excited for high school, Onee-san? High school volleyball teams are probably super good and, and- super good!” his words sparkle with wonder.

You smile. “Yeah, I’m excited for high school,” you admit. “I don’t know about joining the volleyball team though.”

You’re startled when your brother abruptly stops, and you accidentally walk right through him. You shudder at the chill you feel all over your body.

“Why not?!” he demands, as if he’s never considered the option that you wouldn’t join. “You love volleyball! And _I_ love volleyball!”

You snicker. “Sometimes you can’t have everything you want. Dad’s paying to send me to Shiratorizowa because it’s known for its academic prestige. I don’t want to waste his hard-earned money by being distracted because of volleyball.”

You make sure not to mention the mountain of hospital bills you received for keeping Takeru on life support. It didn’t help that your family had to host two funerals. You don’t want to make him feel like a burden.

You make it to the bus stop just in time to see the bus making its way around the bend of the road.

“I don’t get it… I thought Dad works because he likes helping people. Why don’t you do what you like too?”

You step on the bus and make sure Takeru has followed you. You watch in amusement as he leans over a stroller to grin and make silly faces at a newborn baby.

“It’s more complicated than that,” you sigh.

\--

You take a seat by the window in your new class and unload your bag. You look around at your classmates and make sure they’re not close enough to hear you.

“Takeru, don’t go anywhere you shouldn’t be. Like the girls’ dorm or girls’ washroom,” you harshly whisper.

Your brother simply waves off his hand at you. “Yeah, yeah. Girls are gross anyways. I’ll explore but won’t go there, okay?”

Before you can even reply, he runs off.

Like in junior high, you keep to yourself. You politely greet your new classmates when they greet you, but you don’t go out of your way to speak to anyone. You’ve always found it difficult to start up a conversation with someone. It’s somehow much easier talking to ghosts.

However, because of your height, it’s always been difficult to hide from everyone’s judging eyes. You’ve lost count of how many times you casually laugh off the “Wow, you’re so tall!” comments. You wish you were shorter so you wouldn’t stand out so much. The only good thing that’s come out of it is that it helps you be a good volleyball player.

Takeru comes back to greet you just in time for lunch. He tells you he’s found a spot you’ll like. On your way out, you’re stopped by someone who hands you a flyer for the volleyball club. She tells you tryouts are at the end of the week and that you’re welcome to check out the second- and third-years practice in the next few days.

“Oh my gosh, Onee-san. Now you HAVE to go!”

You amusedly watch your brother bounce around the nice girl who handed you the flyer. If he got this excited about something, how could you deny him?

You look back at the nice girl and she gives you a funny look, unsure why your eyes were randomly darting up and down. You clear your throat and your face heats up a little when you realize why she’s looking at you with a raised eyebrow. Sometimes you forget no one else can see your brother.

“Yeah sure. I’ll check it out.”

The rest of the day thankfully goes by rather quickly. You’re grateful your teachers handed out the lesson plans for the next few weeks. You like to prepare and read through the textbooks before you learn them in class. It could be considered a try-hard, nerdy quality but you don’t intend for it to appear that way. You just like to plan for things advance. You’re not a huge fan of surprises.

You quickly pack your things in response to Takeru’s impatience so that he can watch volleyball again in person. He always had so much energy growing up and once he discovered volleyball, it fueled him with more energy. He asked you to play with him often and went to all your big volleyball games in junior high.

He would tell you he’ll grow big and tall so that he could spike it super hard. Ever since he became a ghost, he would still get excited about volleyball, but he’d stop talking about growing big and tall. Even at 8 years old, he understands he won’t be growing anymore.

You make your way to the gym with a bouncing Takeru just behind you. When you glance inside, you realize you’ve made a mistake. It doesn’t occur to you that the school has multiple gyms.

You’ve found yourself watching the boys’ team set up the net.

“I thought we were going to watch the girls’ team, but this is even better!” Takeru shouts as he runs past you and into the gym.

You quickly fumble into your bag to pull out the flyer and confirm that you remembered the wrong location.

You sigh, “We have to go further down the hall for the girls’ practice.”

Takeru runs back to look at you with his adorable puppy eyes. “Can we stay? Pretty please? Just for a little bit? Boys are _so_ much cooler. Look how tall they are!” he exclaims excitedly.

You frown. “You can stay and watch by yourself y’know.”

“B-but, it’s no fun to watch by myself!”

You really hate how you can’t say no to anything he asks of you. “Fine. But only for 30 minutes and then we’re going to the girls’ gym. Got it?”

“Yay! You’re the best, Onee-san!”

You smile as you watch him bound up the steps into the viewing gallery. Since you’ll be in this hot gym for awhile, you take off your blazer before sliding your backpack back on. You take one last glance at the court before following him up the steps.

\--

Like Takeru said, boys _are_ so much cooler. It shocks you how explosive high school boys are compared to junior high boys. To be fair, you do attend a powerhouse school known for attending Nationals multiple times. That thought escapes you often.

You watch one particular boy, or man really, hit a ridiculous jump serve. The impact of his hand making contact with the ball makes a sound that makes your ears ring as it echoes throughout the gym.

You vaguely remember him being the explosive ace of Shiratorizowa’s junior high team from your first year of junior high. You remember how he quite literally and single-handedly, crushed your school’s boys’ team. Even a novice like you could recognize he really was gifted. He’s tall, built and powerful. He has everything an ace needs.

You watch him intensely, your face warming when he hikes up his shorts before squatting down to prepare for a receive, how his quads flex when he pushes off the ground to jump and the look of pure concentration written on his face throughout it all.

He rarely makes any mistakes, nor does he speak. You really wonder if he’s a machine, freshly oiled to prevent any errors and built in with a cannon for a monster swing.

He’s perfect. Astounding. Phenomenal. He really isn’t like any other volleyball player you know.

From the chatter of the other students around you, it sounds like his name is Ushijima Wakatoshi. To your annoyance, the girls behind you continue to squeal about him. Even when he’s just bending over to pick up a ball.

You cringe. They don’t see him as a breathtaking volleyball player like you do. They just see him as a hot specimen of a man, a treat for their minds to boggle at when they don’t have anything better to do. Not saying he isn’t an attractive person, he’s just so much more than that.

“Ushijima-senpai is _soooo_ good looking and he’s _sooo_ good at volleyball,” one girl swoons.

Her friend sighs dreamily. “I know. Have you seen his picture on the school page? That angle of him was so flattering. He’s so serious all the time and it just makes him even more charming.”

You tune out the giggles that follow as a ball Ushijima just spiked bounces all the way to the viewing gallery. Straight at your face.

You’re startled but manage to catch it. Only after it collides with your nose first.

You freeze. Your face heats up in embarrassment, the impact or both, you’re not really sure. However, you _are_ sure your face is red. You know everyone in the viewing gallery is looking at you.

You slowly lower the ball from your face to see that everyone on the floor is looking at you too. Even Ushijima. _Great…_

As quickly as you can, you toss the ball back to the first floor. Your face continues to flush into a brilliant shade of red.

“Hahahah Onee-san, that was awesome!” Takeru bursts into laughter.

“Shut up,” you mumble.

Everyone down below politely smiles at you in thanks for returning the ball. It appears they can’t see how red your face is from down there. _Thank god._ When they look away, you wipe your nose quickly with your knuckle to check if you got a nosebleed from the impact.

You don’t realize that one pair of eyes is still watching you carefully on the court. You heat up even further when you realize the one responsible for the blow is still staring at you. Ushijima maintains his stoic face and raises a hand in apology.

Maybe he did notice it packed you in the face. _How’s that for embarrassing?_ You stiffly nod in return.

“That guy is SO cool,” Takeru cries. “When he hits the ball it’s like _KAPOW_ and then it hits the ground like _BOOM_. He’s even left-handed! That makes him like 10 times cooler. No! 100 kazillion times!” he corrects himself.

“Yeah yeah. It’s time to check out the girls now,” you say as you grab your bag.

As you make your way to the girls’ gym, Takeru continues to yell excitedly about his newfound idol.

“He needs a cool nickname. His name should be, oh! It should be Ushi-KAPOW! Because that’s what his spikes sound like!”

You snort. “That sure sounds awesome, Takeru.”

After watching the girls’ practice for an hour, the girl who handed you the flyer during lunch pulls you aside before you’re able to leave. It turns out she’s this year’s team captain. She tells you that she doesn’t want to pressure you, but she saw you play in junior high.

Your face flushes when you realize that people actually pay attention to you when you play. You’re a setter and you play rather conservatively. You like it when you’re able to give your teammates the glory. You’re fine hiding in the shadows.

The team captain makes a pretty good case about why you should join the team. She tells you most expenses are subsidized by the school when you tell her the financial aspects of the team is deterring you. She smiles brightly to reassure you that all you have to do is commit your time.

Subsidized team fees are really appealing but your only concern isn’t just about money. Unfortunately, volleyball means less time spent with your brother. You want the time to take him out to places so that he can pass on. You tell her you’ll consider it.

When you leave the school building, you realize the evening is rather chilly. You realize it’s because you’ve forgotten your blazer.

“Oi, Takeru. I forgot my blazer. We have to go back to the boys’ gym.”

“Yay! Another chance to watch the boys!” He says as he races past you.

“I really don’t think they’re practicing anymore,” you mumble to yourself.

When you peer into the gym entrance, your suspicions are confirmed. The boys are scattered across the gym; collecting balls, taking down the net or cleaning the floors.

“I told you so,” you say quietly to your brother. He just pouts.

When you make your way up to the viewing gallery, you’re surprised to see Ushijima. In one arm, he’s carrying multiple balls. It was probably his own fault it landed up here. Your face warms when you realize he’s holding your blazer with the other hand.

Your first reflex is to bow deeply at the hips.

“Thank you for picking up my jacket. I forgot it here earlier,” you confess quickly.

When you straighten up, his arm is outstretched in front of you to hand you back your blazer. You accidently brush his hand when you claim your jacket and the sensation makes you even hotter.

You’re really not used to talking to people. Y’know, living people.

“HAHAHA, you’re so red Onee-san!” your brother teases. “Is it because you have a crush on him?” he grins. “Fine, I’ll let you have a crush on my idol this time. Onee-san and Ushi-KAPOW sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-”

“Shut up!” you hiss. Your face flushes into a deeper red.

Realizing you said that out loud, you stiffen. You slowly look up at Ushijima, completely horrified. All you see is him looking down at you, face hardened with a raised eyebrow. _Oh great, now he thinks a measly first year just told him to shut up. He didn’t even say anything yet._

You apologize profusely and bow again for good measure. When you straighten up, you apologize another time just in case.

“S-sorry Ushijima-senpai. Ah! I don’t mean to sound creepy for already knowing your name. I just-I just heard some other girls say your name,” you ramble, clearly unable to contain how flustered you are.

He blinks at you for a moment but maintains his blank stare. “Ushijima is fine.”

It’s the first time you’ve heard his voice and you can’t help but notice how low it is. You feel your hair stand up on your nape. He makes you feel a little intimidated just because of how much of a volleyball legend he is. His curtness also doesn’t help. He doesn’t seem like the type to ramble stupidly like you just did.

“Oh,” you manage. You pull your jacket closer to your chest and grip it a little tighter. “Good night, Ushijima.”

You nod again stiffly before bolting down the stairs. You really wanted to get out of that situation as soon as possible.

Once you exit the gym, Takeru bursts out into laughter again. You sigh heavily.

What a fantastic way to finish your first day of high school.


	2. did she love us?

The next few days of the week go by the same way. Takeru wakes you up at dawn, you buy a bun at the convenience store, you water grandma’s plants, you go to school. After your classes end, you head over to watch the boys’ practice with your brother and then proceed to the girls’.

After much persistence from Takeru and the captain, you decide to attend the tryout at the end of the week. To prep for it, you make sure to go to the local recreation centre to practice your skills and do some film review with Takeru. You like to be prepared after all.

After the tryout, you decide to treat yourself and indirectly Takeru to ice cream. You buy his favourite strawberry flavoured popsicle at the convenience store near school and enjoy it under the shade of a large secluded tree by a local park. This way, you’re far away enough from everyone else so that no one can call you the crazy girl who talks to herself.

“How does it taste Onee-san? It feels like it’s been FOREVER since I had a strawberry popsicle,”

You smile sadly. You didn’t take your brother out for ice cream a lot in junior high because you were busy with practice.

“Uh, it’s cold… creamy… and it tastes like strawberry,” you offer. Since Takeru became a ghost, he’d always ask you to take him to have his favourite food. He can’t even eat it, but he felt like he was living the experience by having you describe the taste to him.

“Ah… just like how I remember it,” he says with a sigh.

He sits down next to you and watches you eat. However, he couldn’t stop glancing at the kids playing in the park. From the looks of it, they’re playing Grounders.

“You don’t have to stay with me here, y’know. Go play,” you grin.

“Alright! If you say so!” Takeru cries without a moment of hesitation as he runs to the playground. Even though he can’t interact with the other kids, he’s always finds ways to have fun with them.

The wind blows gently tickling your neck and you find the laughter and yelling of children easily tuned out into white noise. The sun was setting and cloaking everything with an orange glow. It was definitely enough light for you to read, you decide.

After finishing your popsicle, you open your bag and pull out your textbook. You want a head start on your readings anyways.

Once you sit down to read, focusing on the content is easy. You don’t hear anything around you nor notice the sky dimming.

The only time you look up is whenever Takeru runs back to tell you about the other kids at the park. His first trip, he tells you how they found a cool jagged rock in the sand. They all thought it was good luck to find such a pretty rock, so they told each other to make a wish. Takeru tells you he wished to be happy together with you forever and ever.

“That’s great, Takeru,” you say softly. You don’t have the heart to tell him things shouldn’t be that way. After all, you wanted to be with him forever too. Before he notices your sad smile, he runs off again to play with the other kids.

The next time he runs back, you realize it’s almost dark. You get up to kneel and begin packing your things as he tells you about his next adventure.

“-And and they were chasing after it all wrong! Everyone knows you can’t just run and catch it. You have to be sneaky. Like a snake! Snakes are sneaky right?” Takeru rambles.

“Uh huh.”

“B-but, they jumped at it and it flew away!” he sighs exasperatedly. He crosses his arms with another huff. “If I had been them, I _definitely_ would have caught it,” he says proudly. His chin angled upwards with his lips pressed in a thin line.

You giggle. “I’m sure you would’ve, Takeru. You’re the best at catching beetles. Like in the whole world!” You make sure to exaggerate how big the world is by stretching out your arms, grinning like an idiot and wiggling your eyebrows.

Takeru grins back at you, the flash in his teeth makes you warm and bubbly.

“We should head home,” you say. “It’s late and we have to make some dinner for dad. Shall we head out, Takeru?”

You zip your bag and look up expectantly. You freeze when you look at Takeru, who looks past over your head. He has his head cranked all the way back to look at someone much taller than he is. Instead of fear, his eyes are filled with wonder. When you turn your head, you realize he’s looking up at his idol.

Your eyes widen and your jaw drops. You noticed the trail behind the tree when you sat down, but you didn’t hear anyone pass by. You don’t know how long Ushijima has been there, but you can confidently assume he heard you talk to nobody.

Ushijima’s wearing a pair of joggers with a damp t-shirt, some strands of his hair stuck to the beads of sweat on his forehead. He probably just finished a run. _Wait what? Didn’t we just have tryouts? Oh right, he probably didn’t play as much since he’s on the selection committee. He’s the captain after all._

You snap back to reality and realize the sun’s completely set at this point. If it had been any other 6’3 man looming over you, you probably would’ve whipped out your phone to call the police.

You stand up abruptly and bow your head. “Ushijima-senpai! When did you get here?”

You turn your head up slowly to meet his gaze. His face is completely blank and unreadable. “Moments ago. I recognized the school uniform and decided to stop by,” he states in a matter of fact kind of way.

You internally cringe. He most definitely heard you talking to Takeru. For some reason, he doesn’t mention it. He probably thinks you’re crazy talking to nobody. Just like everyone else who heard you. Even your mom.

When you were 5, the first person you told that you could see ghosts was your mom. At first, she shook her head and called you silly. The next few times, she told you to stop making things up. After that, she told you that you were psychotic and very urgently took you to see a doctor. The doctors didn’t help your situation since they told you that it was impossible and that you were young and probably making things up. _“Kids do that a lot nowadays.”_

After that appointment, you decided you wouldn’t mention it to your mom anymore.

“Do you live at the dorms?” he asks.

“N-,” you clear your throat. _Thanks, phlegm, for your sudden appearance._ “No, I take the bus here. It’s cheaper to stay at home.”

His face remains unchanged as he continues to stare at you. You decide to take the silence as a good time to make your exit, so you reach down to throw your bag onto your shoulder.

“I should get go-“

“I’ll walk you to the bus stop,” he offers. But not quite like, _“Oh, please let me kindly walk you to the bus stop,”_ kind of offer. It was more of a, _“You will accept my offer and there is no room for discussion,”_ kind of offer. You realize his voice can be quite authoritative.

You gulp. You’ll take your chances.

“Y-you don’t have to do that Ushijima-senpai.”

“Ushijima is fine,” he corrects you.

“Ooooo, Onee-san’s got a big fat crush!~” Takeru practically sings as he bounces around Ushijima.

You glare at your brother and whip up a meek smile at Ushijima. “It’s fine, the bus stop isn’t far from here,” you say reassuringly.

“Then it will be fine if I join you, is it not?”

You sigh defeatedly.

\--

The three of you walk in very, _very_ uncomfortable silence. Especially because Takeru is skipping around you, alternating from walking backwards in front of you or trailing behind to stare. When he’s behind you, you can hear him giggle endlessly.

You grip your backpack straps so tightly your knuckles turn white. You’ve always found it difficult to make friends because you never knew what to say. Or more like you thought about what you wanted to say for too long that the opportunity just slips by you.

You want people to like you, so you just think too hard about what they want to hear instead of what you want to say.

For some reason, ghosts are a more comforting presence for you. They’re especially excited to speak to someone in the land of the living and you find it comforting that that they’re all good listeners. They also have no one else to talk to. You try not to think about that part.

The walk to the bus stop has never felt _so_ long. You glance up at Ushijima and his face rests in its’ default and probably only state, the one without emotions. You look away and blush. _The_ Ushijima is walking a measly first year like you to the bus stop. Apparently, he’s a nice guy.

When you look up again, you lock eyes with a ghost you’ve never met before standing in the front yard of someone’s home. The slight wrinkles on her face and scattered gray hairs lets you assume she’s somewhere in her forties. Her eyes dart between you and Ushijima and then her lips curve into a smirk, her eyebrows wiggling at you. She lifts a thin finger to point at Ushijima and then she gives you a thumbs up with a wink.

Even someone you’ve never met is treating Ushijima like a crush _. Why is everyone treating me like this? I just admire him. I don’t have any other feelings for him._

You’re startled when the uncomfortable silence is broken by the ace.

“You play setter,” he announces suddenly, more like a statement than a question.

“U-um, yeah. How’d you know that?”

“I watched the girls’ tryout for a brief moment.”

Your face flushes. _The_ Ushijima watched a scrub like you play volleyball. He must’ve been appalled.

“You’re good. You are too conservative, but it is also one of your greatest qualities,” he states in a matter of fact way. “You will have no difficulty replacing the 2nd year setter. Her form is half as good as yours.”

Your face is so hot you wonder if it’s worse than when you got hit in the face the other day.

“Um, thank you,” you squeak. “I’m not sure if I’ll play yet.”

You finally reach the bus and luckily, you can see the bus coming. Ushijima turns to face you.

“You should,” he says. “It would be a waste if the skilled do not play.”

_What?_ You have never considered yourself that good of a player. You didn’t work out that much, you just enjoyed watching games and tossing the ball here and there. You play because it’s fun.

You nod. “I’ll think about it.”

You glance at the incoming bus and then look up at the giant. You’re tall for a girl but even someone like you still needs to look up at him.

“Thank you for walking me here, Ushijima.” You bow at the hips.

“Have a good night, Hayashi.”

You freeze. _How does he know my name?_ You manage to stiffly stand back upright, knuckles whiter than ever on your backpack straps.

He curtly nods and then turns to run into the direction of the academy.

“Good night,” you mutter.

You try to ignore your little brother bouncing around you with the biggest grin on his face. You give him a weak smile and nervously laugh.

_That did not just happen._

\--

“Onee-san, I’ve never seen you so red in front of someone before. You’re like a TOMATO with Ushi-KAPOW.”

You almost cut your finger off at the comment. “I wasn’t that red…” you mumble.

“Yeah you were. You _totally_ have a crush. Don’t try to hide it from me, Onee-san. I know _all_ about crushes,” Takeru says as he swings his legs from on top of the countertop in your kitchen. He crosses his arms and nods knowingly. “I had a bunch of girls crush on me. But they were all so gross!”

“Oh? You? A ladies’ man? Nah, I don’t believe it,” you tease.

His jaw drops. “What do you mean? I’m charming, good at sports, and an expert at catching beetles might I add.”

You don’t hear your dad come home over Takeru boasting about his charms. He comes up behind you as you stir-fry and greets you with a kiss on the cheek.

“I assume you are speaking to Takeru?” He tiredly smiles.

“Yeah, he’s sitting on the countertop by the dishwasher.”

Your dad turns to smile at the empty space above the dishwasher. “Hi Takeru. I hope you’re not causing too much trouble for your sister,” he says softly.

“Oh, don’t worry dad. I’m not causing her any trouble at all!”

“He says he’s sorry for making my life so hard and he going to do everything I ask of him for the next week,” you quip.

Takeru’s jaw drops. “That is NOT what I said!”

Your dad laughs softly. “Thank you for making dinner Kaori. I’ll get changed and help you.”

“It’s fine, Dad. Take it easy. I’m almost done anyways.”

Before you sit down to join your dad at the table, you make sure to pull out the chair next to you so that Takeru can join you.

Your dad claps his hands together and closes his eyes when he speaks, “Thank you for the food.”

You echo him and the two of you begin eating.

After you turn on the TV for Takeru who’s gotten too bored sitting around with you two, you come back to eat in silence for a bit. It gives you time with your thoughts and you contemplate whether you should tell your dad about your tryout. You know he’ll be supportive, but you worry he’ll work himself even harder to pay the remaining fees for the team. Better to tell him than hide it completely, right?

“Hey, Dad.”

He hums quietly. “What is it, Kaori?”

“I went to my school’s volleyball tryouts today,” you say quietly.

His eyes perk up and he stops eating. “I didn’t know that. How was it?”

You play with the food on your plate, feeling more hesitant about telling him. “It was actually really good,” you say.

You didn’t want to admit it earlier because you were afraid it’d hook you into the sport again. You feel guilty for being so obsessed with volleyball in junior high because it meant that you didn’t have enough time to spend with Takeru while he was still alive. You still love the sport, but you feel hesitant going back now. You were only really considering it because your brother would get so excited for you. He was experiencing the sport through you.

Your dad smiles warmly. “That’s wonderful.”

Now it’s your turn to perk up. “I’m not sure if I should join. It’s mostly subsidized by the school but I still need to pay a portion. Plus, we practice a lot more and I’ll have less time to study.”

You search his face for a reaction, but his tired face doesn’t change. “You’re picking up a lot of shifts, Dad… to allow me to study at a prestigious school. I don’t want to risk getting distracted and doing poorly in my studies,” you explain.

The rational part of you tells you that you shouldn’t join but your heart, _oh your heart_. Your heart thrives off of volleyball. The sport is exhilarating and the feeling you get after setting a perfect pass, it’s pure bliss. It was also a lot easier to talk to people if it was about volleyball. It’s easier for you to bounce ideas back and forth and ask for feedback when it comes to volleyball. You just feel more liberated.

“You should go for it, Kaori. Volleyball makes you happy. It’ll be good for you.”

Your eyes water when you see the way your dad’s face warms. You just needed the extra push only he could give.

“I promise I’ll work hard on my studies and I’ll work at auntie’s convenience store again to help out with the costs!”

His eyes are soft when the edges of his lips curve up into a smile.

\--

“Aren’t you glad you only have to pay for one ticket to take me somewhere now?”

You chuckle. “I guess that’s one way to look at this,” you mutter quietly.

Once you enter the main entrance of the aquarium, Takeru rushes in and immediately places his nose against the glass at the biggest tank, It had a huge variety of fish in there and you couldn’t even name one. You place your earphones in before making your way to him.

“They’re so colourful! And there are so many different sizes! Onee-san, can you read the description for me?”

You make your way to the sign with words that were way too small.

“Uhh… there are some guppies, some catfish…” you mumble.

“Huh? Catfish? None of these look like cats. Which one is it?”

“They’re the little ones at the bottom. You see those ones bunched up over there?”

You glance at Takeru and he nods aggressively. It brings a smile to your face.

You look down at the sign again. “Apparently they’re not picky eaters. Well that’s good I guess.”

You look at your little brother and he still has his hands and face pressed onto the glass. You chuckle.

“C’mon dummy, the aquarium has a lot more fish than just this tank.”

“O-okay!”

He slowly peels away and immediately bolts to the petting pool. He bends so far over the ledge it looks like he’ll fall in. You shrug. _I guess the other nice thing is that I don’t have to clean him up if he falls in._

You peer into the pool and you’re surprised to see sting rays. You recall these ones look like they’re innocently smiling on their underside.

“Hi there, would you like to pet our Southern Stingrays? They’re quite friendly,” the aquarium employee asks cheerfully.

You grimace. It looks cool but also incredibly wet and slimy. Also, a bunch of snot-faced kids probably also reached into the pool to touch the same stingray. Gross.

“Onee-san! You HAVE to tell me what it feels like! Touch it! Touch it!”

_Oh lord._ You tell yourself you’re here for your brother. It’s for Takeru. And his happiness. You’re here so that he’s happy enough to pass on in peace. The greater good, you think.

“Fine,” you sigh.

You hesitantly reach your hand into the pool with a frown, bracing yourself for the worst. The stingray reaches close to the surface and the pads of your fingers graze its’ back side.

_Yup, wet and slimy._

“What does it feel like?”

“Wet and slimy…” you grimace.

“Awesome!!”

“Incredible right?” the employee asks you with a grin. “Southern stingrays can bury themselves in the sand in a split second. They also make sure their eyes and spiracles are still visible.”

“Awesome!!” Takeru repeats.

“Very cool,” you say with a weak smile.

You spend the rest of the day reading one too many labels about all sorts of ocean creatures. Takeru’s excitement and energy levels never seems to run out. Guess that’s another thing about being a ghost.

Every time he runs to a different exhibit, his face would morph into pure happiness. You grin at the look of wonder in his eyes and the way he beckons you to read the signs for him.

You’re not a huge fan of animals but you did promise Takeru once upon a time to take him here.

You would’ve brought him here much sooner had you known he’d react like this. Heck, you’d drop money for that overpriced membership so that you could go here every month together. The fish don’t even change much throughout the year, but you know he’ll be excited all the same.

Maybe this is it. The last straw to Takeru achieving happiness. He gets to experience the joys of childhood one last time before passing onto heaven.

You hate silly crowded places with too many screaming kids but this; you don’t mind this at all.

\--

After settling into a routine with school, practice and studying, Takeru hits you with a brick that you never prepared for. You knew it was coming, but it didn’t mean you knew how to handle it.

One night, he asks you why he’s still a ghost.

“It’s been a month and I’m still here. I love spending all this time with you, Onee-san but I’m not supposed to be like this forever, am I?”

You stare blankly at the ceiling as you lie next to Takeru’s non-existent body. Takeru’s old enough for you to give him the truth. He doesn’t deserve some fluffed up make believe nonsense you make up when kids ask you things too complicated for them to understand.

“I think people become ghosts because they have a regret,” you say softly. “Almost all the ghosts I’ve met usually have a reason for staying. Like they wish they could’ve done one last thing before they pass on or something worries them to the point they feel more at peace staying. Think of the Obaa-chan next door. She’s been here the last several years. She seems happier being with her husband, even if he can’t see her.”

You sigh. “Or sometimes people don’t even understand they died, and that also stops people from passing on.”

You worry you’ve said too much or have made it too complicated for your little brother. You roll onto your side to watch him carefully. He’s so small next to you and for the first time this month, his eyes are full of worry, sadness, or both. You’re not sure.

Your heart breaks seeing him this way. Kids shouldn’t have to worry about anything. His innocence shouldn’t have to slowly chip away like this.

“I know I died though,” he says quietly. He turns to look at you with watering eyes. “I’ve been happy spending all this time with you. You got too busy for me before but now we have all the time in the world to be together. I got to see the aquarium, I got to go to the beach when it’s not summer. I don’t understand.”

You could feel tears forming in your eyes and you blinked them back angrily. You have to be strong for your little brother.

“Maybe… maybe I need to take you out to more fun places,” you offer.

“Maybe…” he says quietly, rolling back onto his back.

You watch him carefully and resist the urge to reach out to him. You wish you could just hug your baby brother.

“How come I never got to meet Mom as a ghost?” He asks in such small voice, it makes your chest tighten painfully.

You don’t answer immediately so that you can choose your words carefully. Your brother genuinely loved your mother after all. You want to be delicate for his sake.

“Mom is a really carefree person who doesn’t get attached very easily. I don’t think she regretted anything enough to stay.”

You figure this is the nicest way to put it. In reality, you hated your mother. She never understood what it meant to be responsible for her children, tossing you and your brother to your dad because _“he was the one who wanted kids.”_

Your father was too kind, too smitten with your mother to fight her. She lived a bachelorette’s life without a care in the world. That’s why she drove intoxicated and got both herself and Takeru killed.

You’d never tell him that you did meet Mom before she passed on. You never even told your Dad she appeared.

She was shocked when she realized you could see her.

_“Oh? So, you really can see dead people?”_

_You avoid her gaze and choose to glare at the floor. It was your first night back home after spending the last few at the hospital. You’re too fed up and tired to argue with her right now._

_“Huh,” she says indifferently._

_She told you your whole childhood that you were making things up. That you were crazy._

_You flare up with rage. She didn’t deserve your dad’s love or your brother’s affection. It wasn’t fair._

_“Why are you here?” you snap._

_She gives you a sharp look but holds back scolding you for speaking to your mother that way. You don’t notice the way her eyes soften as she looks as you._

_“I wanted to tell your father I’m sorry. For not being better for his son,” she states sincerely. “Our son.”_

_What the hell? She goes and gets drunk then picks up her son completely wasted. Did she even think about her actions?_

_“The hell, mom? You were drunk. Why weren’t you more responsible? Why couldn’t you just ask someone else to drive you?” you yell, unable to hold back your frustration._

_“I-I didn’t think it was that bad. Takeru’s friend’s mom called and she said it was urgent t-that I bring him home. He was throwing a fit a-and he couldn’t find it in himself to stay at someone else’s home for the first time. Your dad was working an overnight! I-I thought I could step up as a mother… I didn’t want to make your dad worry…”_

_“That’s not an excuse!” you growl. “How could you be so careless? This is YOUR fault. Takeru could die and it would be YOUR fault.”_

_“I know,” she admits quietly._

_“You’ve never been a mom to us. You were irresponsible, handed us off as someone else’s responsibility and kept dad on a leash.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Get out of my sight. I don’t want to look at you anymore,” you snarl._

And that was the last time you saw your mom. You assume she made it to the hospital, gave your father a hopeless apology and convinced herself it was enough. With that, she found peace.

What a piece of shit. Honestly.

“Do you think mom loved us, Onee-san?”

You bite your lip as you watch your baby brother begin to cry.

“She loved you, Takeru. She loved you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talk about bittersweet :'(
> 
> for those here for ushijima... dw, more ushijima moments to come in the next chapter!


	3. an unbalanced bento

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have one more chapter to write for this story but i keep putting it off... good thing i wrote these beforehand so i can update semi-regularly haha.
> 
> as promised, ushijima scenes!!

After getting into a regular routine with school, you start working part-time at the convenience store by your house. You don’t spend that many hours there per week but the small amount of money you get is helpful. You want to help out where you can so that your dad doesn’t work himself to death trying to cover all the expenses.

You’re thankful for the auntie for employing you and accommodating your awkward hours. She even lets you have the bun you get every morning for free as a work perk.

However, working a part-time job on top of school and the volleyball club meant that you were very busy. Being woken up at dawn by your little brother could sometimes be considered sleeping in because of morning practice. Some days you’d have two practices a day, which meant early mornings and late nights.

It’s been almost a month since school started and you’re already so drained. After a long day of classes in addition to morning and afternoon practice, you tiredly drag your feet all the way back home. Too exhausted to make any real food, you make a bowl of instant noodles and bring it to your room.

It’s late and you need to finish the homework due tomorrow. If you’re diligent, you’ll have enough time to prepare for tomorrow’s classes too.

With the fork in your left hand, you bring some noodles into your mouth while writing some answers down with your right. You’re forced to squeeze your eyes tightly multiple times to remind them how to stay open. _Just a bit more and then I’ll shower and start prepping for tomorrow’s lesson…_

“Onee-san! Let’s watch a movie together tonight!”

You groan. “I can’t, Takeru. I have to finish my homework and prep. And I still need to shower. I really want to sleep early tonight since I don’t have practice in the morning and I’ll finally get to sleep in.”

“But but- we haven’t watched a movie together in sooo long,” he whines.

“I don’t have time today,” you almost snarl, your fatigue dangerously affecting your mood. You were in the middle of a train of thought and really needed to get it all down.

“You never have time anymore, Onee-san,” Takeru continues to complain. “We haven’t gone out in a long time too.”

You sigh deeply, turning your head quickly to glare at your brother sitting on your bed. You turn back around and sigh again, hoping you don’t blow a fuse from all the stress you’re under.

“Maybe at the end of the week,” you say. “I only have morning practice and we can do something after school.”

“Ughhh,” he groans. “That’s _so_ long from now.”

You click your tongue and whip your head around.

“Stop acting like a child. I’m juggling so many things right now and it’s taking everything in me to stay sane. If you complain one more time tonight, we won’t even do something at the end of the week,” you snap.

You glare at your little brother, but he refuses to look up at you, visibly shaken by your outburst. His hands are clasped tightly together on his lap and his shoulders are hunched over more than usual.

You expect him to fight back or have a kicking and screaming tantrum, but he manages to surprise you. Instead of being angry at you, he just looks sad.

“Okay then,” he says, his voice so quiet it’s almost a whisper.

Looking at his slumping form fills you with guilt. You’re exhausted and stressed. the words just came out without a filter. You watch him slowly stand up and you willed yourself to say something, anything, but no words fell from your lips as he left the room, not making another sound.

You sigh. You used to fight a lot, but you’d always make up within the night. That’s how sibling fights work all the time. You feel bad but you reassure yourself it was just another silly sibling fight. He’ll be back tomorrow morning.

You rub your eyes and run a hand through your hair. You take a breath before looking back down at your assignment. At least now you’ll have some peace and quiet to work tonight.

\--

The next morning, you go through your morning routine with a little more urgency. Takeru never ended up coming back the night before which meant he also wasn’t there to wake you up in the morning. It was your first time sleeping by yourself since he became a ghost and you’ll admit, it was rather unsettling being alone again.

Despite how exhausted you were, you found yourself tossing and turning the entire night. You dozed in and out in multiple bouts and couldn’t fall into deep sleep until it was early morning. You jolted awake realizing you slept in and ended up rushing to get everything done in the morning.

You find it hard to pay attention in class and mentally thank yourself for doing all the prep work last night. At least you aren’t completely clueless during the lesson if the teacher asks you a question.

Your lunch break is hauntingly quiet without the presence of your little brother and it starts to worry you. Where did he go? It’s normal for him to go out at night but he’d always return to join you the next morning. It wasn’t the first time you had a silly argument since he became a ghost, he’d always found a way to come back to you.

After allowing your emotions to settle, it finally dawns on you how hurtful your words were.

Of course, he’s acting like a child, he still _is_ a child. It’s normal for him to want to spend more time with you, especially if you’re the only one he’s able talk to. But it isn’t just because you’re the only one who can talk to ghosts, he just wants to be with his Onee-san.

You nervously bite your bottom lip so hard it draws blood. Your stress was speaking, you tell yourself. You didn’t mean what you said. But how are you going to tell Takeru that if he’s nowhere to be found?

You sigh and put your lunch away, having lost your appetite. You rest your chin in the palm of your hand and tell yourself not to worry. He wouldn’t miss your practice. It was clearly his favourite time of the day since he gets to spend it with you and watch volleyball. Maybe he’d calm down by then and show up to meet you.

You pack your things and bump shoulders with other students as you hastily make your way back to your classroom. If he doesn’t show up, you’ll go looking for him. You’ll spend all night looking if you have to. He’s your baby brother after all.

\--

Practice was absolutely horrendous. You forgot today was the special co-ed practice where the women’s and men’s team merged to play co-ed volleyball. It was supposed to encourage mingling and getting feedback from different players.

You were actually really looking forward to today because you could finally play and watch Ushijima up close. Takeru was especially excited for this practice but to your disappointment, he still didn’t show up. Your excitement to play with the ace was quickly forgotten.

Your coach noticed how poorly you were playing and even swapped you to the second-string team. You didn’t get the chance to play with the starting seven on the men’s team because of your mental absence and it didn’t even bother you.

You couldn’t stop worrying about your brother. It was making it especially hard to focus on playing. You fumbled a lot of sets, missed a lot of serves and even got hit in the head several times because you weren’t paying attention. You tried your best to continue playing volleyball, but your mind was completely elsewhere. You were feeling especially sluggish and your worrying thoughts never stopped haunting you.

You’re so distracted you don’t even notice the glances Ushijima gives you from the other side of the gym.

You keep glancing at the viewing gallery hoping to find your brother watching you with his usual bright smile, but your face drops every time you realize he’s not there. You wouldn’t even have minded if he was still mad and only had eyes for his one and only Ushi-KAPOW. You just wanted to see him.

When practice finally ends, your coach has a talk with you about “off days” and how it happens to everyone. You absently nod and tell her not to worry. You assure her that you’ll be focused for tomorrow. She squeezes your shoulder reassuringly and tells you she’ll lend an ear if you need it. You smile weakly. How do you tell someone you’re worried about your ghost brother going missing?

When you finally pack up, you stack on a pair of sweatpants and run out of school grounds with haste. You check the local park, carefully weaving through the groups of children playing. You take a seat by the same tree and scan the playground carefully.

_He could show up to play with the other kids_ , you think.

This time, you don’t pull your schoolwork out and keep your eyes fixed on the playground, scanning every head you see like a hawk to find that familiar buzz cut.

You wipe your eyes quickly after they begin to water from forgetting to blink. You feel your eyes droop dangerously, the previous night’s lack of sleep punishing you. You rub your eyes aggressively hoping it’ll remove some of your tiredness.

The sun begins to set, and you tell yourself you can afford to wait here a bit longer. You had to stick to your routine; that’s the only way he’ll know where to find you.

When you start to feel your eyelids become heavier and heavier, a deep voice startles you.

“It’s dangerous to be out late by yourself.”

You nod wordlessly without breaking your gaze with the playground. You recognize his deep voice but can’t find it in you to respectfully greet him like you normally do. If he’s surprised by your stiff and distant behaviour, he doesn’t show it. The two of you remain the way you are in uncomfortable silence.

“You were terrible at practice.”

You frown and look up at the giant looking down on you. He’s in a plain t-shirt and joggers again with a couple beads of sweat running down his face. _How does he go on a run so soon after practice?_ You’re so exhausted and out of it you can’t even manage a reply.

Ushijima matches your frown. His brows furrow a bit deeper than usual and his eyes narrow. You’re not quite sure why he’s still here or what convinced him to come talk to you in the first place. It’s been awhile since you last spoke that time he walked you to the bus stop.

“You should sleep early tonight,” he states simply. If you were more like yourself, you would’ve noticed the hint of concern in his voice but currently, it comes out more like a demand to your ears. Another one of his requests where you can’t refuse.

You narrow your eyes at him and grunt in response before breaking your gaze to look back at the playground. It’s only now that you realize it’s gotten so dark. There are hardly any kids left and you wouldn’t be able to identify your brother here anyways because of how poorly lit the park is.

“Do I need to take you home?”

You freeze.

Normally, you’d be ecstatic and your face scarlet red because Ushijima just offered to take you home. You didn’t even know he was capable of such gestures. Walking you to the bus stop seemed so out of the ordinary and he never offered that ever again.

However, you’re defeated and overwhelmed with worry that his offer doesn’t make you feel those giddy feelings. You’re just startled that he even offered.

“That won’t be necessary,” you mumble.

You slowly slide your backpack back on and get up, brushing your pants of any dirt that clung to you. You politely nod at him and turn to leave.

You walk briskly to make it to the bus stop as quickly as possible. You’re not sure when the bus will be arriving, but you hope it’s soon because if Takeru wasn’t home, you’ll be out late checking a million places to find him.

In your haste, you don’t notice the large shadow that follows you. It’s only until you come to a stop light that you notice the presence of another person looming over you. When you cock your head to the side to check who it is, you’re surprised but at the same time, not.

“You don’t have to walk me to the bus stop, Ushijima. I’m fine.”

Maybe once this is all over with, you’ll really regret speaking to him so casually. However, right now, addressing him respectfully is the least of your concerns.

He stares at you with his usual look of indifference. His eyes flick to the crossing lights when he speaks, his chin held characteristically high.

“I’m simply taking a walk,” he says.

You narrow your eyes, hoping to counter him with something clever but nothing comes to mind. You turn back around to cross the street. If he wants to follow you, he can follow. You’re too tired to politely fight him.

When you reach the bus stop, you take out your phone to check when the bus will arrive. _4 minutes… that’s not too bad._

You’re startled when Ushijima’s long fingers slip through yours to pull your phone from your grasp. His hot fingers brush your cold ones and it gives you goosebumps. You look up at him, eyes bugging and your mouth slightly agape.

You find your face relaxing as you observe him. The light on the screen illuminates his face in a way that emphasizes his features but also causes him to squint because of its brightness. The shadows that cast below his cheekbones and eyes makes him look charming in a way. His jaw looks sharper than you remember, and his eyelashes are surprisingly full and long. You’ve never really looked at his face this closely before.

Before you can even question why he snatched your phone in the first place, he returns it to you. You look down at the screen.

Ushijima Wakatoshi is now registered as one of your contacts.

“I sent a text to myself so that I have your number,” he states plainly. “Please let me know when you’ve arrived home.” He asks in that same way where you can’t refuse his request. You’re not quite sure how to respond.

You glance up at him and realize he looks almost concerned. You’re not really sure though because you don’t actually know what he looks like when he’s concerned. He just looks different from his usual emotionless face.

You look back down at the tiny letters that spell out his name on your screen. You’re not sure when your hands got so sweaty, but your phone almost slips out of your grasp.

“I will,” you manage.

You lock your phone quickly and place it in your pocket. You keep your head lowered, maintaining your gaze at the ground like it’s suddenly the most interesting thing to you right now.

From the way the approaching light illuminates the ground, you assume the bus is almost here. You look up at the man in front of you. He continues to study your face and it makes you sweat a little more because of how intently he’s observing you. You give him a weak smile.

“Have a good night, Ushijima.”

He continues to watch you carefully as the bus pulls to a stop in front of the two of you.

“Good night, Hayashi.”

This time, Ushijima makes sure to wait. He watches you get on the bus and notes which seat you take. His feet stay planted until he can no longer see the bus. He pulls out his phone and glances at the new text he sent himself, a small smile playing on his lips. He stares at the foreign sequence of numbers a bit longer before turning on his heels and making his way back to his dorm.

\--

It takes everything left in you to lift your feet as you make your way down your street running. You try to keep your mind and eyes alert as you repeatedly scan your surroundings in hopes of seeing the little boy with a buzzcut.

When you make it home, you slip off your shoes quickly and forget to greet your mom in your haste.

“Takeru?” you call from the kitchen.

Silence.

You whip your head aggressively scanning the first-floor rooms for any sign of your brother. You then make your way upstairs. The thumping of your footsteps as you bound up the stairs makes your head pound, but you ignore it. You poke your head quickly into all of the bedrooms, but your little brother is still nowhere to be seen.

_Think Kaori… Where could he be?_

You run back downstairs and slip on a pair of slippers before bursting out the front door. You notice Grandma in the corner of your eye and scramble to your next-door neighbour’s home. The small old woman was sitting on the bench on her porch, happily swinging her legs back and forth.

“Obaa-chan! Have you seen my little brother, Takeru?”

She’s startled by your evening appearance and her legs abruptly stop moving. When she recognizes your approaching figure, she gives you her usual warm smile. She even chuckles when she notices your disheveled hair blowing randomly in the wind as you run towards her.

Her smile and calmness let you assume she didn’t quite hear your question. Even as a ghost, she’s still hard of hearing.

“Hi Kaori dear, how are you?” she asks softly.

“I’m fine,” you say quickly, your voice coming out a bit more frantic than you expected. You give yourself a few moments to breathe before continuing. “I was wondering if you’ve seen Takeru.”

Her lips quickly curl into a thin line and her brows furrow. “I have. I saw him earlier today when it was still bright. I thought it was odd he was here while you were at school, but I didn’t ask him. The poor boy seemed to have his mind occupied.”

You frown. “That couldn’t be more than 1-2 hours ago right, Obaa-chan?”

She hums and her face twists in a way that makes her wrinkles sink deeper into her face. She takes frustratingly long to think but you tell yourself to be patient. You needed any help you could get. It isn’t exactly easy to find a ghost.

“I believe so,” she says at last.

You release a breath you didn’t know you were holding. You thank her and quickly bow. Before you can even hear her respond, you run towards your next destination. You feel your phone vibrate in your pocket, but you ignore it.

On your way to the convenience store, you make sure to check the neighbours’ homes in case Takeru decides to hide there. You recall him telling you about his nighttime adventures and how it included visiting the neighbourhood’s pets and gardens.

When you get to the convenience store, you peek at the ice cream and snack aisles to make sure your drooling brother isn’t miraculously there. The auntie who runs the store gives you a strange look but smiles the same way she usually does when you leave.

The last place you have in mind is the river dividing your town in two. It’s been awhile since the two of you have been there but it’s also sort of your secret place. It’s nice to hangout there because there is rarely anyone who passes by in the evening hours.

You’re greeted by the familiar scent of earth and the quiet splashing of water against the rocks. In your haste, you almost trip and fall in as you trudge down the steep hill in slippers. When you regain your balance, you look up and find a small curled up figure near the bottom of the hill.

You’re immediately overwhelmed with relief, but it quickly becomes guilt. You take slower and more careful steps as you descend, not quite knowing what to say to your little brother.

Once you reach his side, you drop down onto your knees and watch him warily. Takeru hugs his knees tightly and he rests the tip of his nose on the top of his knees. He doesn’t even flinch at your arrival.

You don’t know how long you sit there with him in silence. You have so many things to say to him, but you can’t quite pick out one good thing to say. You’ve never had trouble talking to your brother before. Your words usually slipped out easily and he’d give you a toothless grin in response. You really took those moments for granted.

You lean your head forwards to try to read his face better. The moon now at its peak, brightens his forehead and casts a dark shadow over his eyes. It makes it hard to tell what he’s thinking. You breathe in deeply, mustering the confidence to speak from the heart. You just have to be honest.

“I’m sorry, Takeru,” you whisper.

You watch him tentatively for a response, but he gives you none. You run a hand through your hair, taking a breath before learning forward again hoping to meet his gaze. He takes so long to reply, you wonder if he even heard you.

“I’m sorry too,” he mumbles into his arm.

Your shoulders relax and you shift your weight to draw a knee up towards you. Similar to him, you hug it tightly and rest your head on top of it, maintaining your gaze on him. You think about the things you said the night before and your stomach turns with guilt.

He shifts marginally and his eyes sparkle when he looks at you.

“I just thought we should spend as much time as possible together before I disappear,” he says in such a small voice, you feel your eyes well up tears. You blink multiple times to prevent them from trickling down your face. “I thought you’re happy when you’re with me.”

You can’t stop the tear that trickles down your temple and you sniff lightly. The last time he was so vulnerable and sad, he was asking why your mom passed on without him.

You wish so badly you could touch him. You wish you could hug him tightly against your chest and stroke the back of his head lovingly. You wish you could tell him he doesn’t have to worry about a single thing. You wish you could cradle him and tell him everything will be alright.

“I am,” you sniff. “I _am_ happy with you.” Your voice cracks and you swallow before continuing. “I’m sorry.”

Takeru loosens and finally releases the tight grip he has on his own arms. He reaches up to rub his eyes with the back of his hand. He blinks at you before straightening his legs out on the grass.

“I’m happy with you too, Onee-san,” he says with a small smile, his eyes fixed on his knees.

The two of you sit in comfortable silence. You listen to the melodic sounds of the water flowing down the river and you watch the fluffy clouds glide through the night sky. You pick at the grass and absentmindedly let them go, watching them float away in the wind.

You feel your phone vibrate in your pocket again and it reminds you of the new contact you have. It occurs to you that you were supposed to text Ushijima when you got home but you don’t want to pull out your phone and ruin this moment with your brother. The super ace can wait a bit longer.

“You missed the joint practice today with the boys,” you say with a small smile playing at your lips. You give your brother an expectant look, hoping to be wonderfully entertained by his reaction.

He jolts upright and whips his head towards you, eyes bugging and mouth gaping. “WHAT!” He clutches his face and dramatically drags his fingers down his face. “I can’t believe I forgot! I-I could’ve been watching Ushi-KAPOW practicing up close!” he exclaims. “Did you play with him?”

You stifle your laugh, trying your best not to rub salt in his wounds. “No, I didn’t,” you chuckle.

He falls hard onto his back and throws his arms in the air in frustration. “I can’t believe I forgot!” he yells, more angry at the universe about this over his other misfortunes.

You wonder if you should tell him that you now have his idol’s number in your phone. He’d be ecstatic, telling you to ask Ushijima some nonsense about how he became so good at volleyball. However, you decide against it. You need a calm night after today’s events. It’ll be your little secret in the meantime.

When you get home, you head straight to the kitchen to make some food. When you open the fridge, you squint at the contents inside hoping it’ll inspire a dish you can make quickly. Your stomach grumbles dramatically, desperately pleading for you to make something soon. Once you take out all the ingredients for the dish you decide on, you pull out your phone to check the time out of curiosity.

You’re surprised to see two texts from Ushijima. At 7, he texted _“Are you home yet?”_ and another one at 8 saying, _“Where are you?”._ You realize it’s almost 9 and he probably thinks you’re in a ditch somewhere.

You read his texts again and feel a little warm all over. They’re straight to the point; no greeting, no emojis and no other unnecessary messages. You don’t know him that well, but at the same time, it seems exactly like something he’d do. You read the little letters forming the name “Ushijima Wakatoshi” another few times and the edge of your lips begin to curve into a small smile, your giddiness making an inevitable appearance.

You quickly glance at the ingredients you’ve sorted out on the kitchen counter. Tomorrow it might seem like a ridiculous idea, but tonight it seems like a good one.

You tap the textbox quickly to reply to Ushijima.

_“I’m home. I’m ok. BTW, don’t buy lunch tomorrow.”_

_\--_

The next day, you begrudgingly lug two bentos to school. One was significantly larger than the other and you make sure to place it in your bag right side up. Thankfully Takeru has discovered the joys of not being at school with you all the time and decided to stay home today. You both agreed that he doesn’t have to spend every waking minute with you. This also means he’ll miss witnessing your awkward bento exchange.

During your classes, you bite your nails and anxiously check the time. Ushijima never replied to your text last night and you’re not sure if he chose to ignore it or just didn’t see it. You sigh. Ushijima is probably the most popular boy in school, receiving love confessions, bentos and chocolates left and right. How is he going to react to your bento?

He might just stare at you blankly and shake his head politely. That seems like something he’d do. Or maybe he’ll open the bento, stare at it and then politely decline. God, which was worse? You’re not even sure anymore. You should abort the mission. Alternatively, you could just have a _very_ big lunch today.

The bell rings signalling your lunch break and you find yourself sweating profusely. This was a terrible idea.

You make your way to your locker and grab the larger bento. You can come back to shamefully eat your own in a corner afterwards. You slam the door shut a little too hard and it makes people glance over their shoulders. You give them a sheepish smile. The sudden attention doesn’t help your anxiousness.

You keep your head down as you make your way to the cafeteria. You recall someone on your team mentioning that most of the men’s volleyball team eat together there. You gulp and wipe hopefully the last of your sweat on your forehead. You’ll have to remember not to raise your arms too high because you most definitely have armpit stains.

When you enter the open area, you realize it’s your first time coming here. You always ate your bentos outside on a bench to hangout with your brother. You look up at the high ceiling where the natural sunlight brightly lit the entire eating area. It wasn’t full to its maximum capacity, but it was still relatively full.

You scan the room hoping to find his olive head of hair, but you find a familiar red one instead. You squint at the figure in front of the vending machine and make your way towards him. You recognize him as one of the third years on the starting line-up for the men’s volleyball team.

“Um, excuse me. Hi,” you say a little too quietly.

His eyes peel away from the vending machine options and he looks down at you with a smile. You can’t help but think his eyes look a little maniacal because of how big they are. It doesn’t help that he’s also much taller than you. He looks a lot more intimidating up close.

“Hi there. Did you need the vending machine?”

“Uh n-no. You’re on the volleyball team, right?”

His eyes light up at the mention. He seems happy that someone is identifying him as a member of the team.

“I am! And you are…?”

“Hayashi Kaori. I um, I’m also on the volleyball team.”

His eyebrows raise and his mouth forms a small ‘O’. “I think I remember you! First year setter, right?” He reaches out a hand and you wipe your hand on your skirt before shaking it. He has a firm grip and he shakes your smaller hand rather aggressively. “I’m Tendou Satori, pleased to meet you!”

You laugh nervously and pull back your slimy hand. “I was wondering if you know where Ushijima is?”

His eyes brighten and his teeth sparkle when he smiles. “Yeah, I do!” His eyes flick to the bento in your hands and your face flushes. This was a terrible idea.

“I can show you to our table if you’d like.”

“I’d appreciate it,” you say sheepishly.

Tendou quickly grabs a lemon tea from the vending machine before leading you further into the cafeteria. When he speaks, he nonchalantly looks over his shoulder, not quite making eye contact with you.

“Fair warning… Wakatoshi gets a lot of bentos. And well, he doesn’t accept any of them. He says he’s particular about his diet so that he can perform at his best.”

“Oh,” you say quietly. _Oh dear lord._

“Doesn’t hurt to try right, Hayashi?”

“U-um, yeah…”

Before you know it, you’re standing over Ushijima who looks a little too big for his chair. Despite his teammates already digging into their lunches, he has nothing in front of him on the table. He looks up at you almost expectantly with a raised eyebrow, but nevertheless has the same stoic face he usually wears. When your eyes meet, your face flushes.

You look at the ground quickly and hold out the bento with both hands. You feel the air tickle your sweaty armpits and a bead of sweat runs down your temple. Your lip quivers embarrassingly before you speak.

“I-I’m sorry for worrying you yesterday,” you bow your head so aggressively, the ground spins a little. “I made a bento to apologize. I hope you will accept it,” you splutter.

You think about Tendou’s words and how there’s no reason why he’d accept yours over so many other girls’ bentos. You’re not that great of a cook and you’re not that great of a girl either. Did you even make a healthy meal? You literally just put together whatever you saw in the fridge so that you could eat dinner ASAP. The bento was nowhere close to being a balanced meal! _Ugh, terrible idea,_ you remind yourself.

You’re surprised when the bento slips from your grasp and you look up at him with widened eyes. Instead of his usual serious face, his eyes soften, and you think he actually might be… smiling? Your eye twitches and you resist the urge to rub your eyes to clear your vision. Is that how Ushijima smiles?

“Thank you, Hayashi,” his deep voice says rather softly. “I’m glad to see that you’re safe.”

_Oh god, I think my heart just burst._

You flush a bright red, quickly bow, maybe slip an _“Uh huh” somewhere in there_ and bolt.

Once you reach an empty hallway, you lean your head back against a wall to catch your breath. You replay the way his lips curved ever so slightly, and it makes you blush.

Maybe it wasn’t that terrible of an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i initially intended to keep the bento scene very short but it ended up being more fun to write by including tendou! hope you liked it :)


	4. the band-aid that can heal anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i started my first bullet journal and now i'm totally slacking on writing. i am almost finished writing the last chapter!! v exciting haha. 
> 
> when i had the idea to write an ushijima fic, i was really worried about how i could depict his character properly through dialogue so i hope i did ok!

A week has passed since your bento ordeal and the memory still makes you flush a bright red. No matter how much time passes, you don’t think you can ever get Ushijima’s smile out of your mind. Or whatever that face was.

Tonight is the volleyball mixer where the men’s and women’s volleyball teams mingle. You tried to politely decline but your seniors told you there would be consequences if you bailed. As in, extra laps or serves at the end of practice. Seeing as you were already worked to death, you figure one night of socializing was probably better than the torture your seniors would subject you to next practice.

You were conflicted with which outfit to wear. It’s the first time people from school are seeing you in regular clothes. What do you wear to mixers?

“Onee-san… why can’t I come with you?” Takeru whines from your bed.

“Because,” you snap. “It’s my first high school outing and I can’t have you distract me. It’s already hard enough to talk to people.”

“But, but… Ushi-KAPOW is going to be there… I want to see him,” he mumbles this time, his face squished against the mattress as his legs kicked back and forth.

“You’ll see him on Monday,” you sigh.

You cock your head to the side as you stare at yourself in the mirror. You frown at your reflection. _Ugh, dress is too girly and formal. I’ll just wear jeans._

You make sure to tuck in your white baggy shirt one more time before your captain opens the door. She greets you with a friendly smile and gestures for you to come inside. Your captain was hosting the mixer since her parents went out of town for the week. She assured you that the party would be rather tamed. She didn’t want to deal with a bunch of teenagers messing up her family home.

On your way to her kitchen, you’re surprised by how quickly you spot Ushijima’s head of hair. He was sitting on a couch with his red-haired friend and other teammates. So much for mingling.

You pour yourself some juice and greet some of your own teammates in the kitchen. They introduce you to another first year on the men’s team and he greets you with a smug smile. You eye his bowl cut amusedly before introducing yourself.

He starts to ramble about his passion for volleyball and how he has the skill for it. You quirk an eyebrow at his bold statements of “future ace” and “Ushijima’s rival” but reward him with a _“Wow, you_ must _be amazing,”_ You’re used to flattering bold, confident boys because of your kid brother. You’ll admit his confidence is rather entertaining though.

“Ah! I see you’ve met our future ace, Goshiki!” a voice booms from behind you.

Goshiki’s face brightens and he flashes a bright smile. “Tendou-senpai!”

You turn your head and find yourself looking at those big eyes that belong to the man with bright red hair. You glance at Goshiki quickly, your eye involuntarily twitching. _Wait, people actually call him future ace?_

You’re snapped out of your thoughts when Tendou rests a hand on your shoulder.

“How are you Hayashi?” he grins. “I haven’t seen you around since that time in the caf!”

You blush. “Hi Tendou, I’m doing fine,” you say quietly.

He releases the grip on your shoulder and instead slaps it playfully. “So quiet, so shy! Relax!”

You grimace and clench the plastic cup in your hand tightly. Your stiff nod matches your stiff smile. It probably looks like your cheek cramped.

“Goshiki, I’m going to borrow Hayashi.” He points to another one of your teammates down one of the hallways. “Go introduce yourself to her and tell her you’re our next rising star!” he beams.

Goshiki immediately straightens up. “Fantastic idea, senpai! Nice meeting you, Hayashi!” He skips away before you can reply.

Tendou bends down close to your ear and grasps your small shoulders. “Now, now. You have somewhere else you need to be,” he grins mischeviously.

You initially try to resist the hands guiding you through the house. You give up on your attempts at resisting when you realize it just causes your heels to just slide across the wooden floor. Before you know it, you’re in the living room he sits you down on the same couch as Ushijima. You feel your face flush and you try your best to hide it from the other, rather large boys sitting around you.

Tendou clears his throat and flashes a bright smile at everyone. “Reon, Semi-Semi and I will be socializing elsewhere. Have a good night!” he practically sings as he pulls the other two boys away by the collar.

You sit stiffly on the couch for several long moments, not daring to sneak a peek at the tall man sitting next to you. You’re startled when he speaks first.

“How are you, Hayashi?”

He asks you the same question Tendou just did earlier, but it comes out more formal for some reason.

“I-I’m well.”

“I see.”

You twiddle your thumbs, resisting the urge to bite your nails. Why did Tendou do this to you? You aren’t close enough for him to subject you to this awkwardness. You sneak a peek at Ushijima. He’s sitting on the couch so stiffly upright, with his hands neatly placed on his lap. Does this man ever relax?

You take a breath, hoping to build enough confidence to socialize. That’s what you came here for.

“Do you have any hobbies?”

He slightly turns his head, surprised by your question.

“I play volleyball,” he states like it’s the most obvious answer.

“I mean… other than volleyball.”

He quirks an eyebrow at you, clearly confused. His lips curve downwards into a slight frown.

“Why must you do things other than volleyball?”

You resist the urge to slap your palm so hard on your forehead it’ll leave a mark. _How is he this dense?_ You sigh exasperatedly and shake your head. “For fun, Ushijima. What other things do you do for fun?”

His brows wrinkle in thought, lips pressed into a firm line. He must be really thinking about his answer.

“Sometimes I read the advertisements in Tendou’s Shounen Jump,” he finally states. “It is interesting to see what people sell.”

All that thinking and this is what he settles on? Who the heck reads advertisements in a book full of manga? You look back at the hands in your lap and cock your head to the side. Ushijima is really something else.

You enter your library of possible questions to ask. Having a casual conversation with somebody really did not come naturally for you.

“Do you have any dreams? Things you aspire to be or do?” you finally settle on. You’re actually kind of proud of your question this time. The answer says a lot about someone, and it’ll be interesting to hear what he has to say.

He hums, his eyebrows knotting in thought yet again. He seems to really think carefully about your questions. No wonder he’s so concise all the time.

“To be a strong enough player for my teammates to depend on.”

“Huh,” you slip out. You weren’t expecting that. “Does that mean you want to be good enough to go pro?”

“If that’s what that means, then yes.”

You nod slowly. There aren’t many people you know who plan to go pro. It’s a hard industry to excel in. You sneak a glance at him. You mentally pinch yourself. You _are_ talking to one of the top aces in Japan.

“Will you sign some autographs for me before you go pro? Since you’ll be too popular,” you joke, a smile casually playing on your lips. You’re not sure when you started to relax, but talking seems suddenly easier. “Wait, maybe it’ll be best if I get it _after_ you go pro,” you mutter to yourself.

He frowns in confusion. “If that’s what you wish, yes. I can do that.” He watches you carefully as your lips quiver, trying to hold back a smile. “Why does it matter when I sign it?”

You look up at him unable to hide your grin. “Well, you could end up being very unpopular so I wouldn’t want an autograph from someone who isn’t famous,” you tease.

He stares at you blankly, blinking a few times.

“I’m just joking,” you say quickly. “I’ll take your autograph, popular or not.” You force a smile that probably looks more and more strained by the second. You heave a deep sigh.

He pauses and then nods a little. “What was the joke?”

_God, this guy is like a brick._

You shake your head and smile to yourself. “Nevermind,” you chuckle.

He stares at you blankly. You glance at him quickly, observing the way he continues to look so puzzled. Seeing his face this way, you look away to laugh, covering your mouth with the back of your hand.

Even though Ushijima still doesn’t get the joke, he smiles.

After your giggles finally pass, he redirects the question you just asked him.

“What are your dreams?” He looks at you so seriously, it makes you sweat a little. You should’ve known a question you ask could easily be rebounded back to you.

This time you think carefully about the question. You think about your brother. How it’s been months and he still hasn’t passed on. You haven’t spared any time to think about your own dreams. All your life, your brother came first. Now that he’s died, he’s become more of a priority than ever before.

Your brows wrinkle in thought and you realize your answer is probably a lot more complicated than he was expecting. Talking about your dead brother at a mixer probably isn’t the best idea.

“I guess I don’t really have any,” you settle with.

He frowns, your answer clearly puzzling him.

“Is there nothing you wish for? Or wish to become?”

You stare at the pair of hands clasped on your lap. You wish your brother can find happiness. You wish he’ll be given the peace he deserves. But you also wish to stay with him forever, like how it was supposed to be. You want to be with him even if he’s 8 years old forever. You wish you never learn to live without him.

You smile sadly. “It’s complicated.”

\--

You get home much later than you expected and are careful to be quiet. Your dad worked a 12-hour shift and probably just got into bed recently. You quietly slip off your shoes and tip toe up the stairs. Takeru waits excitedly on your bed and jolts up right when he sees you enter.

“Onee-san, I promise I was good and I didn’t sneak on you!”

You smile tiredly and pull on your pajamas.

“How was your night? Did you get to talk to Ushi-KAPOW?”

You flick off the lights and yawn as you climb into bed.

For the first time in a few months, you feel happy. Genuinely happy. You suppose that would be how you describe the warm flutters in the pit of your stomach and the smile that hasn’t left your face.

“It was good,” you say dreamily. “I talked to Ushijima the whole night.”

\--

You’re nervously pacing back and forth in an empty hallway. It’s one of the biggest tournaments in your volleyball season. After working ridiculously hard, you earned your spot on the court as the starting setter. You realize that making a first year a starter is honestly a terrible idea because you’ve never played in front of so many people watching.

You resist the urge to bite your nails because you don’t want it to bleed when you play and settle on pulling on your digits instead. Occasionally, you run a hand through your hair. The sensation was slightly comforting.

“Onee-san… you’ll be fine. Why are you worrying so much?” Takeru asks you as he sits on a bench, his legs swinging without a care in the world.

“Takeru…” you sigh. “I’ve never played in front of so many people before.”

You glance inside the gym and shudder. The balconies were full and students from your school came to support the volleyball teams with those big obnoxious cheers and signs. This was the worst part about playing volleyball. Couldn’t people just record it and have people watch it at home?

“That’s the best part though! So many people have come out to support you and the cheers are so cool!”

You sigh. It’s pointless arguing with your energetic, attention seeking little brother.

“Hayashi! There you are!”

Your captain’s voice startles you and you freeze on the spot. The blood drains from your face and you look down at your shaking hands. They’re really cold and stiff.

“I should’ve known you’d be super nervous,” she laughs. “You’ll be fine. Just think of it as another practice.”

She reaches around your shoulder and pats you gently, gesturing you to enter the gym. Takeru hops off the bench and follows at a distance. “Is there anyone you know who’s in the stands? They could be holding a cheesy sign for you!”

You sigh. “No… no one will be holding signs for me,” you nervously chuckle.

“Oh… Then maybe just someone you know? You should point them out to me!”

This was approaching uncomfortable territory. It isn’t exactly easy to explain that your dead brother is here to support you.

“No… There’s no one in the stands for me,” you say quietly.

You don’t notice when Takeru stops following you upon hearing your statement. He leaves for the viewing galleries without a word.

When you enter the gym, you’re startled to see so much white and purple. The women’s and men’s team were mingling again on the ground level and the balconies were filled with Shiratorizowa students. The familiar olive haired ace catches your eye and he approaches you. You don’t notice your captain leaving your side with a small smile.

“You look terrible. Are you unwell?” His eyes scan your features and he casually touches the back of his hand to your forehead.

If you looked terrible earlier, you probably look ghastly now. Your faces heats up in response to the cool hand that presses against your skin. You nod aggressively as you wave his hand away.

“I’m fine,” you say quickly. “Just nerves is all.”

He frowns. “Why are you nervous?”

“I-I’ve never played in front of so many people,” you mumble, your eyes glossing across the large crowds in the balconies.

“That shouldn’t make a difference,” he states.

Of course someone like him doesn’t understand. He’s quiet like you, but he’s confident. He doesn’t care about the attention and would much rather become another face in the crowd. Yet, the attention is never lost on him. He shines in a way where it’s impossible for anyone to peel their eyes away. As everyone is focused on him, he is simply focused on himself.

You give him a small smile. “Yeah, it shouldn’t.”

When you look up at his bold eyes, you find yourself relaxing. Being with him reminds you that you could really benefit being a little more confident in yourself. In a lot of ways, you wish you could be like him; speak how you like, play for yourself, be yourself through and through.

“Thanks Ushijima. I feel better,” you say honestly.

His brow raises questioningly. “I didn’t do anything.”

“You did enough,” you say.

The two of you remain there together in the gym, finding comfort in each other’s presence. Everyone else simply disappears and all you see is him.

“I need to go warm-up with my team now,” he suddenly declares.

His voice startles you out of your daze and you suddenly hear the sound of volleyballs colliding with outstretched hands and glossy floors again.

“Okay,” you say slowly. “Good luck Ushijima.”

He gives you a deadpan stare. “I don’t need it.”

You sigh. Sometimes you forget who you’re speaking to. “Okay, maybe _you_ don’t but will you at least wish _me_ good luck?” you tease.

He frowns. “You don’t need it either.”

This time, you frown. He, however, smiles in response. It’s quick and innocent, but it makes your heart squeeze nevertheless. The corners of his lips tip up slightly and his eyes soften. His face is gentle, and the warmness of it doesn’t quite leave his face.

“Just play like you normally do and you will win,” he states.

You try to stifle a laugh but it slips out anyways. You let it all out, covering your mouth with the back of your hand because of how loud it is. Ushijima is really something else.

“Yeah, okay. You too,” you smile.

The way the edges of his eyes wrinkle a little when he smiles makes your stomach flutter. He wears a soft expression on his face, you assume it can best be described as contentment. He politely nods before turning to leave.

You’re left standing in the vast gym with hundreds of players, only to have your eyes glued to the broad shoulders of Shiratorizowa’s #1.

\--

At team dinner, your thoughts wander to Takeru. You recall seeing him in the stands for your first game, but he disappeared during your second. You thought he left to watch Ushijima but you found out later that they didn’t even have a conflicting time slot with yours.

It’s strange for Takeru to suddenly leave your volleyball match but you try not to keep worrying. The more you think about it, it’ll just puzzle you even more and ruin your good mood. You’re happy because both Shiratorizowa teams won their games today.

Your teams settled to eat nearby before taking the bus back to school. You politely smile when Ushijima refills your glass of water and sheepishly grin when he places more fried squid on your plate. You might’ve mentioned in your previous conversations that it’s your favourite thing to eat. It makes you happy to know he remembered.

You stab the squid with the fork in your left hand and reflexively smile when its juicy flavour explodes in your mouth. Your moment of bliss is interrupted by the ace sitting next to you.

“Why aren’t you eating with your right hand?” he suddenly asks.

You chew quickly before answering. “I am eating with my right hand!”

You reach to pick up your unused spoon, but it clatters on the table when you drop it. You were hoping no one noticed, but you jammed your thumb earlier today. You don’t want anyone to know you injured yourself or else you’ll have to sit out on the games tomorrow.

“You hurt your thumb,” he states. He regards you seriously, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“Um, yeah,” you say quietly, quickly glancing down the table to make sure no one is listening in on your conversation.

“How did that happen?” he asks rather sternly. You feel intimidated by the vibes he’s giving off. Apparently hiding injuries does not make him happy.

“On a block,” you say casually. You don’t want to keep talking about this in case someone hears.

“You should’ve told somebody.”

“It’s not that bad,” you say dismissively. “I jam it a lot.”

You give him your best smile and give him your best version of a thumbs up in your current condition. “I can handle a little bit of pain,” you offer.

By the look on his face, it’s not the answer he wants to hear as he continues to frown at your throbbing fat thumb.

“I have something,” he says.

He abruptly stands up and reaches for his discarded jacket slung over the back of his chair. He reaches into one of the pockets, feeling around to find the solution for your thumb. You watch him attentively. What could he possibly have that’ll help? From previous experience, just icing it tonight should do the job.

You blink slowly when you identify the object he pulls out of his pocket. It’s a band-aid.

“U-um, I don’t- I really don’t think that’ll do anything. It’s fine, Ushijima,” you say quickly.

He gives you a stern look and reaches out a hand in front of you. You nervously laugh, shrug your shoulders and shift in your seat, eyes flicking back and forth between his face and hand. Eventually, you give into his death glare and tentatively offer your hand.

He holds your small hand so lightly in his, as if he grasped any tighter, you’d break into little pieces. He inspects your thumb more carefully and furrows his eyebrows as he assesses the damage. It surprises you that his touch is so gentle in contrast to the power he unleashes on the court.

He carefully rests your hand on his lap as he unwraps the band-aid. He places it on the base of your thumb, and you can’t help but blink in awe at the action. He rests your hand back on your own lap.

“Have you heard of the placebo effect?” he asks.

You nod.

“Even if the band-aid does not directly heal you, your belief will,” he states rather confidently.

This is the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard. You didn’t even know Ushijima was capable of something so dumb but so… cute.

You give him an incredulous look, but it quickly morphs into a smile. “I don’t think it works like that,” you chuckle.

He stares at you, deadpan. “Why not?”

You laugh and he stares at you, very obviously puzzled. You fan out your fingers and eye the little brown band-aid clasped around your thumb. You shake your head.

“Thank you, Ushijima,” you say while politely bowing your head. You give him a thumbs up with your now healed thumb.

You don’t see the slight curve in his lips forming as he watches you smile to yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhh ushi... gotta love the man am i right


	5. he's the best volleyball player i've ever seen

You groggily wake up after your quick nap on the bus. You tiredly rub your eyes to clear your hazy vision. Based on everyone’s shuffling, it appears you’ve finally made it back to school.

You slide your bag on and drag your feet across the aisle. When you get off, you’re met with a breath of fresh air. The earthy, refreshing air helps give you the energy you need to commute back home.

You say goodbye to your teammates and go on your tippy toes one last time in hopes of spotting your school’s super ace. It’s only polite for you to bid him good night as well. However, when you take another look around, you don’t spot his familiar head of hair and broad shoulders. You admit you’re a bit disappointed.

You feel your phone vibrate in your pocket, but you ignore it to check the group of students one last time. When you confirm that he’s no where in sight, you begrudgingly make your way to the school’s gates. As you’re walking, you pull out your phone to check the bus schedule.

You’re startled when you see a text from Ushijima. Your fingers fumble across the screen in your haste to open the message.

_“I went to my dorm to drop off my things. Don’t leave yet.”_

You stop in your tracks and grip the phone tightly within your grasp. Your face warms when you read the second line another time. _Don’t leave yet._ You clutch your phone to your chest and sigh. This man really knows how to mess with your heart strings.

It isn’t long until you spot Ushijima jogging towards you, dodging your teammates along the way. He must’ve ran the whole way to his dorm to make it back to you so soon. When he reaches you, you realize you’re at a loss for words because you’re not sure why he told you to stay in the first place.

“I’ll walk you to the bus stop,” he says rather clearly _. Of course, he isn’t out of breath,_ you think to yourself. Before you have a chance to tell him it’s fine, he continues. “I need a walk to help me digest.”

You tilt your head slightly to the side and give him a puzzled look. The man just ran from the bus, to the dorms, and back. Does he really need to go on a walk? He watches you carefully, waiting for your reply. His features are hard and serious. He won’t be taking no for an answer.

It finally hits you. Your heart flutters at the prospect that he just wants to spend more time with you. You try to keep your jitters contained upon this realization. You smile.

“Alright then,” you say.

The two of you walk in comfortable silence. You spot the middle-aged woman, the ghost who winked and gave you a thumbs up the first time Ushijima walked you to the bus stop. This time she’s more discreet and just waves at you. You slightly nod at her in acknowledgement. You figure a simple nod is a subtle enough response. You figure he won’t notice; he’s quite a brick after all. You don’t notice that Ushijima was watching you during this interaction.

You come across the convenience store you usually go to after school and Ushijima suddenly stops. You turn to give him a questioning look.

“Wait outside,” he says. “I just need to grab something.”

You nod. He probably needs an electrolyte drink after today’s games. You pull out your phone in the meantime. It’s late and the bus won’t be here for another 15 minutes anyways. At least you still have another 15 minutes with him.

You look up when you hear the sound of his familiar footsteps. Ushijima has something small in his hand, but you can’t quite tell what it is. It definitely isn’t an electrolyte drink.

“What did you get?”

From his side, he brings up a white item to show you.

He bought the same strawberry popsicle you always get with your brother. He peels it open and snaps it in half, promptly handing you one of them. When you look up at him, his face maintains its natural, stoic state.

“Thank you,” you say sheepishly as you take the popsicle from him. You never thought he’d share a popsicle with you because of his so-called strict diet. “Why strawberry? Is this your favourite?” you ask nonchalantly as you take your first lick.

“You always eat this flavour at the park.”

“Oh.” You didn’t think he’d notice something small like that. “My favourite is actually honeydew.”

He frowns. You smile. “It’s okay, strawberry is my second favourite.”

The comment doesn’t erase the wrinkle in his eyebrows.

“How about we walk to the next bus stop to savour the ice cream?” you suggest, hoping it’ll help his sudden mood change.

“That’s fine,” he says, his face softening.

You walk in comfortable silence again, this time occupied with your popsicles. The creamy sweet taste really improves your mood. You’ve found yourself quite dependent on sugar and the ice cream serves as an extra energy boost after today’s games. Maybe the sugar wasn’t the only thing that lifted your spirits though.

Your thoughts trail to Takeru. You haven’t seen him since your first game. You hope everything is ok.

It doesn’t come as a surprise when Ushijima finishes his popsicle before you’re halfway through yours. You watch him as he tosses the wooden stick into a trash can by the street. When he returns, he startles you with a question.

“Do you have any siblings?”

You almost stop mid-step within your stride but instead, take your next step stiffly. You pause, taking your time to figure out how to answer. You figure you shouldn’t complicate things with the whole _“yes but no because he’s a ghost and still kind of here”_ ordeal.

“I had a little brother.”

You glance at him to gauge his reaction. If he’s surprised, you can’t really tell. He doesn’t respond, so you continue.

“He died just before I finished Junior High,” you explain. “He was with my mom. She was driving intoxicated.”

You’re not sure if it’s the words that fell out of your lips, or maybe the conversation in general, but you suddenly feel overwhelmed with frustration and sadness. You never had to tell anyone about the loss in your family since attending high school.

It takes Ushijima several seconds to digest your information.

“I’m sorry,” he settles with.

“It’s okay,” you say softly. “He’s still with me after all.”

_Not a lie since he technically is figuratively and physically._

“And your mother?” he asks rather tentatively.

Even though the events are fresh, you’re doing a good job at concealing your conflicting feelings. You’re talking about it rather calmly, it probably confuses him because of it.

“She died too,” you say. “We didn’t get along very well when she was alive.”

He pauses before answering. “I see.”

You quickly finish the rest of your popsicle and throw your popsicle out. You strategically saved it till now since you’ve already walked past the next stop after your usual one. Maybe he’s noticed that you’re dragging this out but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“My parents are divorced,” he suddenly says.

“Oh,” is all you manage. You watch him tentatively in hopes of reading any emotions. His face doesn’t change. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s okay. It’s better this way.”

Ushijima ends up walking you all the way home. He bows curtly to your dad and your dad thanks him for walking you home. He gives the two of you a warm smile before heading back inside.

“Thank you for walking me home. I’m sorry for taking so much of your time,” you say honestly. You initially thought you were only going to get 15 minutes with him.

“It was nothing,” he says. “I was simply finishing my popsicle.”

You smile at him and his face softens in response. A small smile playing on his lips.

“Good night, Ushijima,” you say with a small bow. When you straighten up, he stares rather blankly at you.

“What is it?” you ask.

“Will you call me Wakatoshi?”

Your face reddens and your throat tightens at the idea of saying his first name. It seems so intimate.

You clear your throat and look away. You rub your nose with your knuckle and mumble. “If you’d like me to…”

You don’t see the way his eyes brighten at your agreement. “May I call you Kaori?”

You bite your lip, your cheeks flushing an even deeper red. Despite the cool evening air, your face is ridiculously warm. “T-that’s fine, I guess.”

His lips curve slightly. “Good night, Kaori.”

The sound of your name coming out of his lips gives you goosebumps. You thought you got used to that deep voice of his, but apparently not.

“Good night, Waka…toshi.”

He nods curtly, and before you know it, he runs back towards the school. You watch his broad shoulders recede until he’s no longer in sight.

\--

When you get to your bedroom, you realize Takeru isn’t here waiting for you. You drop off your things and make your way to his room. You find him lying in bed, hands clasped together on his stomach. His gaze stays fixed on the ceiling even after you enter.

You sit on the edge of his bed and turn to face him.

“Everything okay, Takeru?”

His eyes quickly flick to yours and then back at the ceiling. If you weren’t watching him so carefully, you would’ve missed it.

“Did you even notice I was gone?” he asks in a small voice.

You sigh. “Of course I did. You left after my first game. Why was that?”

He stays silent and rolls onto his side, away from you. “You said no one came to support you. _I_ was there to support you, Onee-san.”

You feel your heart drop, recalling the words you said to your captain. Your guilt floods back in, your throat tightens and your lip quivers. “That’s-Y’know that’s not what I meant. I can’t exactly tell people you came to watch me,” you mutter.

Takeru remains stiff on his side. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve assumed he was mad at you. However, that wasn’t the case at all. He was sad. He’s sad you two can’t function like normal siblings do.

“I know,” he whispers.

He slowly relaxes and the two of you sit in comfortable silence. Your brother looks rather peaceful. You’re not sure how much time passes when he stirs.

“Were you with Ushi-KAPOW again?”

“I was,” you admit a little guiltily.

He rolls over to his other side to face you. His expression is soft and his eyes glitter with the limited moonlight entering the room. It surprises you how the look in his eyes can make him seem so grown up sometimes. His hands are tucked under his cheek, making it bulge in a way where you feel the urge to squeeze it. He’s still so little and the baby fat never left his cheeks.

“You _like_ like him don’t you, Onee-san?”

Honestly, you’ve never really put that much thought to it. You know you feel jittery and warm in Ushijima’s presence. You find your eyes reflexively searching for him all the time in the hallways. You don’t watch anyone else when you watch his matches and you’re in complete awe of his talent and confidence. You love talking to him despite him being an awkward brick and you adore the way his face softens. When his lips curve into a small smile, it makes your heart flutter.

Kids always have their ways of finding out things even you haven’t realized.

“Yeah. I guess I do.”

\--

The rest of the tournament goes by better than you expected. Your team qualifies for semi-finals but you lose to the tournament champions. You weren’t hoping to win the tournament, so getting to that point was already extremely rewarding. In contrast, the men’s team won the tournament comfortably, which meant they qualified for nationals.

You were beaming when you ran up to congratulate Ushijima only to obstructed by all of his other fangirls. You tried to hide your disappointment when he was too busy with the media and fans.

Somehow through all the crowds and chaos, he spots you during his interview and smiles. Even Shiratorizowa’s super ace can break down his serious walls to celebrate his victory with just a small smile. It made your heart flutter and the girls around you squeal. They took credit for his warm gesture and fought even harder for a chance to talk to him.

To their disappointment, Ushijima weaved through the crowds in hopes of receiving the only congratulations he wanted to hear; yours. You resisted the urge to throw your arms around him in excitement and settled on patting his rather large bicep. The fangirl in you swooned and you flushed a light pink when you realized you initiated the contact.

You thought your heart stopped when he spoke quietly, but loud enough just for you to hear.

_“Thank you, Kaori.”_

The rest of the school term goes by rather quickly. Your new routine included sharing healthy, balanced bentos with Ushijima once a week in appreciation for him walking you to the bus stop after every practice. Takeru got over his jealousy of sharing you with Ushijima when he realized it meant _he_ could also spend time with Ushijima.

Before you know it, your first semester of high school ends. You promise Ushijima that you’ll watch all his games at nationals, and he promises you he’ll take you to the summer festival. His offer startles you and you embarrassingly choke on the water you were drinking. He rubs your back soothingly, making sure you’re okay before asking again if it was okay to take you.

With a raw throat, watering eyes and scarlet red face, you tell him you’ll hold him to it.

You settle on a light blue yukata with little white lilies. You won’t admit it took much longer than you expected to put it on and you kind of regret doing so when you twirl in front of the mirror. Wearing yukatas were too date-like and you weren’t really sure if this _was_ a date.

Takeru brings you out of your thoughts when he sighs exasperatedly.

“If only I could use a pencil and paper to write down all the booths we need to go to! I can’t remember it all!”

You chuckle. “It’s fine, when we get there, just point it out and we can go,” you say reassuringly.

“Ughh… what happens if I forget something!” he exclaims.

Before you have another chance to second-guess your outfit, you receive a text from Ushijima notifying you that he’ll be there soon. Your eyes widen when you glance at the time and quickly fumble for the small purse you were planning to bring.

“We’re going to be late!” you yelp.

When you reach the main festival entrance, you’re captivated by the display of lanterns and booths. The smell of barbecue meat and sounds of children laughing pull you out of your state of panic for showing up late. You quickly wipe your sweat with the back of your hand and promptly tie your hair up. You needed any solution to cool down from your sprint.

When you spot Ushijima, you’re hit with another wave of heat. He was casually standing by one of the first food vendors closest to the entrance. His arms were crossed over his chest and his eyes lazily scanning the crowd of people passing by.

You’re starstruck and grateful you decided to wear a yukata. He wore a charcoal gray yukata with an intricate tree pattern, tied together by a deep red obi. He looked stupidly handsome compared to you.

He catches sight of you, and you wonder if you’re just dreaming when you see his cheeks take a light pink tint. You bow quickly.

“I-I’m sorry for making you wait,” you say sincerely.

When you look back up at him, he simply blinks at you, marveling in the change in appearance from your usual gym clothes or school uniform.

“You look pretty,” he says, ignoring your apology.

You flush a bright red. You forget how straightforward he can be.

“Thank you,” you say quietly. “You look really nice too.”

“Alright alright love birds, chop chop! We got booths to visit, things to eat!” Takeru exclaims from beside you.

Your lips quiver in amusement as you try to stifle your laughter.

“Are you hungry?”

You smile. “I’m starving.”

\--

The two of you take turns paying for food. You get your brother’s favourite savoury fish balls and some fried squid while Ushijima gets a bunch of beef and pork skewers. He feels less bad about eating an unbalanced meal since nationals are over.

When he tries the saucy fish balls for the first time, his face morphs into a child’s, eyes sparkling in wonder and lips pressed together in a crooked smile because of the large ball inside his mouth. You grin and nod eagerly when he asks you for another.

Your heart melts seeing Ushijima struggle to contain his excitement upon his marveling discovery. You’ve never seen him so content. He’s more relaxed today instead of his usual stiff posture and he even has a bit more swing in his step _. All over a fish ball,_ you smile to yourself. _He really is one of a kind_ ,

Takeru of course, takes all the credit for introducing his Ushi-KAPOW to his newfound love. He tells you that all great volleyball players have the same interests which is why they both love those fish balls. You just smile and nod. You’d get Ushijma those fish balls everyday if it meant you got to see that expression again.

At the rifle booth, Ushijima easily hits all of his intended targets and turns to you to ask you what toy you’d like. You’re startled and immediately turn to your brother.

“The dinosaur one! The dinosaur one!”

Takeru’s face immediately lights up at the prospect of winning a toy. He’s never won a toy at the summer festival before because the both of you are quite bad at all the games.

When you look up at Ushijima, you can see his eyes fixed on something just off of your face. He’s looking at where you just turned to see to look at Takeru. In your haste, you grab his sleeve to get his attention.

“I’d like the dinosaur, if that’s okay!” you say a little too loudly.

He’s startled but gives you a small smile in response before telling the vendor. He watches you fondly when you tuck the stuffed animal in the crook of your arm and look up at him with a grin. You forget it’s also _your_ first time winning a toy at the summer festival.

The two of you continue to make your way through the summer festival. You look around with widened eyes, still fascinated by all the lanterns and decorations. Ushijima only looks at you, with soft, warm eyes. You’re startled when he asks you an odd question.

“Who do you always talk to?”

You feel your face heat up. Whenever other kids asked you that growing up, they always thought you were crazy. The loser who talks to imaginary friends.

You try to feign innocence.

“Who do you mean? I’m not that close with that many people so it’s not like I’m always talking to someone,” you say casually.

You ignore the frown he gives you.

“There is always someone you talk to when you sit at the park,” he says rather sternly. “During lunch, you always smile to yourself even though I never said anything.”

You feel your blood run cold. You have a good thing going with Ushijima. You never planned to mess it up by telling him you can see ghosts. It never goes smoothly when you do.

You laugh as light-heartedly as you can manage. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” you say, hoping it’s convincing enough for him to not press the matter.

It isn’t.

Ushijima grabs the sleeve of your yukata and it forces you to confront him. You hesitantly turn to look at him and his expression is hard, his lips pressed in a firm line.

“You can tell me,” he says firmly. He really knows how to pull that tone with you at all the right moments.

You glance at Takeru who simply shrugs. “It’s your choice Onee-san.”

You grip the stuffed animal tightly and stare at the ground. Ushijima’s grip on your sleeve is still firm. He’s surprisingly adamant this time.

“Let’s go somewhere private,” you say.

\--

Ushijima follows you to the lake just outside the festival grounds. You settle on a small hill and nervously pull at the grass. Takeru sits in front of you, further down the hill.

Ushijima takes a seat next to you, not tearing his gaze from your frowning face. It makes you feel more flustered, worried and stressed. You don’t want to lie to him, but you never planned to tell him either. You would’ve prepared a speech or something if you had planned to tell him. You didn’t think he’d be so observant.

He sits there silently watching you tug at the poor grass. Thankfully, he knows when not to push. He knows when to be patient.

You bite your lip, _hard._ There was really no easy way to go about this.

“I talk to my brother,” you start. Your eyes dart to the tall figure next to you for a reaction. He gives you none. His face remains serious and firm like when he pulled on your sleeve.

“Since I was little, I could see and talk to ghosts. I see the grandma who passed away next door, I see the little girl who was hit by a car, I see a man who left his fiancé behind due to cancer. They know I can see them. I always try to make the effort to talk to them. They’re lonely where they are and talking to them is an easy thing for me to do. Sometimes I help them do things they can’t anymore for their loved ones. Sometimes I just greet them.

“When I told my mom, she told me I was crazy. A devil’s child,” you sigh bitterly. “She insisted I see doctors but no one knew what it meant. They told her I was a kid making up things. I grew up being called the crazy girl. The girl who talks to nobody.”

It suddenly occurs to you that tears are welling up in the edges of your eyes and you wipe them aggressively with the back of your hand.

“I don’t hate my ability. I’ve learned to love it.” You smile at your brother and he returns it with a small smile of his own. You can tell he’s also worried about telling Ushijima.

“I get to see my brother,” you say softly. “I take him out for ice cream, to see fish at the aquarium. I even brought him to see your practices,” you smile to yourself. “I love him to death and I wish I could be with him forever.”

You sniff and wipe a tear that trickles down your cheek. “But I also wish him happiness. I want him to find peace.”

You keep your gaze fixed on the little flowers on your yukata. You blink multiple times to keep the tears from falling down your face. You don’t turn to look at the man you’ve come to cherish. You don’t want to know what kind of face he’s making.

You jolt when the first crack of fireworks is heard. The colours burst through the sky and you see it a second time when it reflects in the lake. You’re thankful for the timing because you’re not ready to hear what Ushijima has to say.

You were happy living in this too good to be true life with him. You felt genuinely happy eating bentos together and taking those evening walks to the bus stop. They were little things, but they were enough for you. Being with Ushijima makes you feel whole. It makes you forget you’re broken inside from the loss of your little brother.

The blossoming of fireworks inevitably fades, and you’re left in cold darkness. You chew on your lip violently awaiting his response. You pray he’ll settle on something civil like, _“Oh that’s neat. I think it’s time for me to go home now.”_ You feel the tears coming back. You don’t want him to leave you.

You hear him shift and you flinch. You swallow thickly and tilt your head towards him. The moon shines on him beautifully and you’re in awe of how handsome he is. Life really isn’t fair.

“Is he here?”

You stare at him, assessing his face. His question seems genuine and there’s no hint of degradation. His eyes are soft, and they sparkle in a way that makes your stomach twist.

“Yes,” you whisper.

“Onee-san, tell him he’s the best volleyball player I’ve ever seen.”

You slip a chuckle. This kid really knows how to brighten your mood. You quickly swipe at your eye and bring your knees closer to your chest. You rest the side of your head on them and smile at Ushijima fondly.

“He says you’re the best volleyball player he’s ever seen,” you say softly. “He calls you Ushi-KAPOW because of the sound you make when you spike a ball.”

Your insides crumble when Ushijima smiles. His expression is soft, and you resist the urge to reach out to him.

“What’s his name?”

“Takeru,” you reply.

He hums. “Well, Takeru. I think you’re the best little brother I’ve ever met.”

You choke on a sob. _Is this really happening?_

“Woo! Best brother ever!” Takeru jolts to his feet and runs small circles around the two of you. “You heard it here first! Ushi-KAPOW, wait till you see me play volleyball!”

You chuckle as you watch him lap around you. When you look back at Ushijima, he stares at the space in front of you, where Takeru was once sitting.

“So… you believe me?” you whisper. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”

When he looks at you, his expression is serious, yet warm. When he speaks, his deep voice vibrates in a way that gives you goosebumps.

“I believe you,” he states. “I think you have an amazing gift, Kaori.”

The corners of his lips tip up to form the faintest smile. You sit in comfortable silence until he gets up abruptly, announcing he needs to use the bathroom.

You start to worry when he doesn’t return quickly. Did he leave you? Was he just really good at pretending that he believed you? You shift further down the hill to pull at a new patch of grass.

You’re relieved when you hear the familiar sound of his footsteps. You also hear slight crinkling. _Kind of like a wrapper…_

When you turn to the source of the noise, Ushijima is standing above you, holding two popsicles. One was strawberry, the other was honeydew.

“Ice cream!!” Takeru screams from the bottom of the hill. He bounds up the hill to plop down in front of you.

Ushijima promptly takes a seat next to you and hands you the honeydew popsicle. Your hands shake slightly when you take it from him, and you look up at him with wavering eyes.

“The honeydew is for you,” he says. “I will share the strawberry with your brother.”

This time, you don’t resist the tears that threaten to fall. You cry softly, sniffling while you unwrap your favourite popsicle flavour. You don’t remember the last time you’ve had this honeydew popsicle. It’s been a long time since you chose yourself over Takeru.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the big reveal!! one more chapter left everybody :)


	6. he makes you happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i found out the other day that today is ushi's bday... how fitting is it for me to post the last ch today! enjoy :)

When school starts again, Ushijima makes more of an effort to spend time with you. You thank him with bentos once a week for walking you practically everyday to the bus stop. However, in addition to that one arranged lunch, he leaves his teammates more often to join you. During this time, you actually act as the middleman to essentially let Takeru interview him.

You try to limit Takeru’s questions to three a day so that he doesn’t overwhelm Ushijima. It also means that Takeru has to think long and hard about which ones to ask first. Despite how weird or personal the questions get, Ushijima answers them graciously. He says he’s used to it because of Tendou but also because it’s fun conversing with a younger and more excitable version of you. He always manages to make you blush.

Ushijima also begins to join you at the park near your school when he finishes his run. You usually take a break from studying during this time so that the two of you can talk alone. It’s one of your favourite times of the day.

After two weeks of park hangouts, you decide to ask him something you’ve been too nervous to ask.

“Wakatoshi?”

He hums in response. He mimics the way you pull at the grass but instead, his posture is disturbingly perfect. His legs are crossed but his lower back is straight and his chin is tucked.

You watch him wearily before turning back to look at your own patch of grass, feeling your face warm slightly. You make sure to clear your throat before speaking.

“Um, Takeru asked if you’d like to come over and play with him tomorrow morning. I can make breakfast and we can go to the park and you can bring schoolwork o-or… not…” you ramble. Before continuing, you sigh. “You don’t have to stay very long… I know you don’t have that many days off…”

From the corner of your eye, you can tell he’s staring at you, his face serious and analytical. It makes you sweat being watched so carefully. You’re certain your face has taken on a light shade of pink from the way it continues to warm up. You’re too scared to look him in the eye.

“Is he inviting me or are _you_ inviting me?”

Your breath hitches and you turn a darker shade of pink. _Was my lie that obvious?_ You shift in your seat.

“I’m asking,” you admit quietly.

He smiles. You look away in embarrassment. _This man is too observant for his own good._

“I’d love to.”

Little did you know that your invite would become a regular Saturday routine. Every morning, Ushijima runs to your house for breakfast and eats with your family before your dad heads to work. You watch Takeru’s favourite children’s shows on TV and then go to the park for him to play. You both bring your own schoolwork to study together in comfortable silence. You take occasional breaks to chat and sometimes he asks you what Takeru is up to. He says he likes to visualize and imagine what Takeru is doing.

When your brother has had enough fun, the three of you make your way back to your house to have lunch. Afterwards, Ushijima heads back to the dorms to study. Or sometimes he even invites you to a café to study together.

One day at the park, Ushijima asks you why you don’t see your mother as a ghost.

You sigh and begin to pull at the grass more aggressively. Ushijima blinks at your sudden change of mood.

“She’s a selfish woman,” you say. You scoot forwards to pull at a new patch, your eyes fixed on a happy Takeru chasing a group of kids. Ushijima watches you carefully and tentatively, patiently waiting for you to collect your thoughts. “She found peace and moved on without Takeru,” you state finally.

He frowns ever so slightly but you don’t notice it because you’re not watching him. “How do you find peace?”

“I’m not sure. I think it’s because ghosts have a regret of some sort or something they want to do badly enough that they can’t move on.” You glance at him for a reaction but he continues to watch you, waiting for more. “For example, the Grandma next door has been watching over her husband for years. I think she’s happier in this weird limbo instead of passing on and being alone somewhere else.”

Ushijima thinks carefully about what you’ve told him. You’re grateful he’s an attentive listener.

“Do you know why your brother is still here?”

You hum, tilting your chin upwards to gaze at the fluffy clouds passing by. “I’m not sure,” you say. “After the accident, he fell into a coma. His odds were low and the bills were piling up. Dad decided to end it after two weeks.”

You feel your eyes water but not enough for them to trickle down your cheeks. You blink quickly in hopes of clearing them. “Sometimes I wonder if we should’ve given him a chance to live,” you admit sadly. “We took that choice from him.”

You turn to look at Ushijima’s soft eyes. He’s never been one to be emotional but somehow, you’re able to tell when he _does_ feel something. The changes in his features are always subtle, but you’ve gotten used to seeing how they change depending on how he’s feeling. This time, the slight way his brows furrow tells you he’s genuinely sad.

You give him a weak smile, hoping it reassures him that you’re okay, despite the heavy topic. He visibly relaxes to your gesture.

“Maybe he’s still here because we did that,” you continue. “It’s selfish but I’m glad he came back to me. I’m glad I was born with this ability so that I’m able to spend more time with him.” You turn to look at your kid brother whose eyes are glittering in awe because of what the other kids managed to dig up in the sand.

“It’s natural to want to spend more time with your brother,” Ushijima says reassuringly.

You look at him with warm, watery eyes and smile sadly. “Yeah, I guess so. I also know I can’t always be selfish. He doesn’t belong here with me in this limbo between life and death,” you say quietly. “I take him everywhere he wants to so that he can have fun. I think he’s still here because he wants to live out his childhood.”

To your surprise, Ushijima gently tucks a lock hair behind your ear. You immediately blush at the sensation of his rough fingertips on your skin. You hesitantly turn to look at him, suddenly feeling very exposed without the cover of your hair. His knuckles brush your cheek gently as he looks at you fondly.

“Takeru is very lucky to have you as a sister, Kaori.”

Your heart flutters at his words and you feel your face heat up embarrassingly. It takes everything in you to continue locking your eyes with his intense gaze. In your flustered state, your hand playfully waves his fingers away from your face. To the relieve the tension, you keep your eyes fixed on your fingers now resting in your lap which begin to tug at each other.

“Why are you so nice to me?” you mutter, almost absentmindedly.

There’s a pause that feels excruciatingly long and you instantly regret asking him those silly words. There are a lot of things you don’t quite understand about Ushijima. He seems withdrawn but also passionate. He seems quiet but also has meaningful things to say. Since you’ve laid eyes on the super ace, he’s always found a different way to surprise you.

You’re startled when he abruptly stands up and brushes the dirt from his pants. He reaches out a hand to you and you look up at him hesitantly.

“Because I like you, Kaori.”

\--

A few weeks before the Spring Qualifier, both the volleyball coaches decide to give their players a night off before the next grind begins. Since it’s a Friday night, Ushijima walks you all the way home and you promise him a popsicle to thank him for his gesture. Takeru is ecstatic about the idea.

Ushijima and you haven’t spoken about his sudden confession a week ago. You’re not quite sure what to make of it because you were never really prepared that he’d ever like you back. When you came home that night, all you could think about was the five words that slipped out of the super ace’s beautiful lips.

_“Onee-san! You’re daydreaming again!”_

_You’re startled when you notice Takeru waving his hands in front of your face. You were reading your notes at some point, but your thoughts kept finding their way back to Ushijima._

_“No, I’m not,” you lie horribly._

_He sighs, plopping himself on your bed. “Did something happen?”_

_This time, you sigh in almost a lovesick manner. It makes you cringe that you’re one of_ those _girls now. It’s only been a couple of hours since you bid goodbye to the boy you’ve come to really like._

_“Ushijima…” you mumble. Despite playing his words on loop for the past while, it feels much harder to repeat them out loud._

_“What?” Takeru exclaims, jumping from his seat. “What about Ushi-KAPOW?” he asks excitedly. Anything about Ushijima excites the 8-year-old._

_“He um… he said he likes me,” you say quietly._

_“He WHAT?!”_

_You glance at your little brother and his eyes are brighter than when he spots an enormous beetle. His lips are pulled all the way back to show a grin even wider than when you buy him his favourite fish balls. His apparent excitement draws out the giddiness in you and you begin to match his grin. It was a happy occasion after all._

_“Does that mean you’re going to date now?!” he asks excitedly. His face then quickly twists into a frown. “Wait… Ew, gross… boyfriend and girlfriend… that’s so icky.”_

_You chuckle at his sudden change in expression. “I don’t know. I didn’t really know what to say… I didn’t really give a response…”_

You thought maybe Ushijima said it by accident since he never mentioned his confession afterwards. You continued to be friends the same way as before and he never tried to ask you for your feelings. You know how you feel about him, you just didn’t know what it would do by telling him.

To be quite honest, you don’t feel particularly ready to _date_ him. Does Ushijima even want a girlfriend? It’s bold of you to even assume the possibility. You’re happy with your current relationship with him. It makes you happy. Besides, you don’t have time for a boyfriend. Takeru is already a handful.

You bring Ushijima to your special spot with your brother. The slight curve in his lips tells you he also enjoys the serenity of your secret hideout. When he sits down next to you on the hill of grass by the river, he sits so closely to you that he almost brushes his leg against yours.

You peel back your honeydew popsicle and glance over at his strawberry one. Ever since the summer festival, he always insists that he’ll be the one to share with your brother. He says it’s so that you can eat your favourite honeydew flavour.

You watch him carefully tear the plastic and his head turns lazily towards you. The two of you share a small smile before licking your ice cream.

You don’t think your heart will ever stop fluttering when Ushijima gives you a smile. His normally cool and collected face becomes so gentle and it makes you warm all over. Regardless of how much time you’ve already spent together, it’ll never fail to make you blush.

You don’t realize that your little brother was watching the whole scene with a grin.

“Why don’t you just date him, Onee-san?”

You choke on your own spit and Ushijima rubs your back gently, his brows furrowing with concern. When you manage to cough it out, you blush a bright red.

“Are you okay? Did Takeru say something?”

“He- um… well…” you clear your throat again for good measure. You find it hard to look into Ushijima’s serious eyes. “He asked me why we’re not dating,” you mumble.

There’s a pause that feels uncomfortably long and you keep your gaze fixed to your now, melting popsicle.

“Why don’t we date, Kaori?”

_Okay, definitely was not expecting that._

Of course he says it like it’s the simplest decision to make. He rests his hand dangerously close to your leg on the grass and you flinch in response.

“Are you not happy with me?” he asks sadly.

When you look up at Ushijima, you’re not prepared to see the face he makes. Maybe he’s been hiding his feelings more than you thought.

“I am happy,” you say sincerely. “I like you, Ushijima. I just-“ you glance at Takeru and give him a small smile. “I don’t think I’m ready to date. Takeru has my whole heart. I’m just focused on making him happy.”

You see Takeru’s eyes glitter before his whole body starts to glow. You feel your breath catch in your throat. Your heart drops, and feelings of panic come flooding in. _No… this can’t be right. It’s too soon. He can’t be passing on already. We haven’t done everything he wants to do yet._

You watch in horror as Takeru shines a bright white and he becomes more and more transparent. He flashes a bright smile.

“It’s okay Onee-san. I’m happy when you’re happy. And you’re happy with him.”

You feel the platter of something dripping onto your lap and it isn’t your melting popsicle. You’re crying.

You drop the popsicle onto the grass and rub your face with the back of your hand. You don’t notice when Ushijima starts to hold your other hand. He squeezes it tenderly despite not knowing the reason for your tears.

“It’s too soon Takeru, you can’t be leaving so soon,” you say.

You slip your hand out of Ushijima’s grasp and crawl on your hands and knees to your little brother. Desperate to hold him, you reach out and feel the familiar chilling sensation. You feel a stream of tears drip down your face and you blink quickly to clear your vision.

You have to be able to see. It’s the last time you’re seeing your little brother.

“Takeru, I’m happiest with you,” you cry. “What else do you want to do? We haven’t been to an amusement park yet. You can teach me how to catch beetles. We can get your favourite fish balls one more time.”

You sit back onto your heels and rub your eyes angrily. This couldn’t be happening.

“Please don’t leave me,” you sob. What kind of big sister cries more than her little brother?

Takeru reaches out to you and you feel the ghostly chill on your shoulder. “It’s okay, Onee-san. I get it now. You’re also happiest with him!” he grins tearfully. “Not everyone gets a chance to date the super ace!”

You’ve spent your whole life preparing for things so that life never surprises you. Despite doing so, you’re not prepared for this moment to come so soon. You need more time. You need more time with your little brother.

“No no no… don’t disappear,” you plead.

You finally realize Takeru’s dream. His dream is for you to be happy. To be happy when he’s gone.

Takeru looks at Ushijima and grins his toothless grin. “I’m glad I got to know what it’s like to have a big brother too.” He wipes his tears and begins to look more and more transparent. The trees behind him begin to take a sharper silhouette. His body glows an even brighter white.

“I love you, Onee-san. Thank you for playing with me.”

You sob loudly, your shoulders shaking uncontrollably, your chest tightening unbearably. You clasp your knees tightly and watch your brother continue to fade through thick tears. You wish you could embrace him one last time. You wish you could nuzzle your nose into his short hair and kiss the crown of his head.

“I love you too, Takeru,” you manage between sobs.

Upon hearing your words, Takeru scatters into sparkles with a toothless smile, exactly the way you remember it.

It happens so quickly you don’t have a chance to even process it. You watch in awe as Takeru’s sparkling dust float away beautifully into the night sky. You’re frozen on your heels, feeling the chill on your face from the remaining tears that haven’t quite fallen from your chin. The silence reminds you hollowly that your brother has moved on.

He’s gone. He’s gone for good.

You pull your heels away from under you and fall backwards. Slowly, you pull your knees up to your chest, resting your chin on top of it. You grasp your face tightly and sob, heaving your sorrows away.

In your shuddering mess, you vaguely feel Ushijima’s legs settle on either side of you and he pulls you into an embrace. He grasps the side of your head gently, bringing your face to his warm chest. He strokes your hair soothingly as he burrows his nose into the crown of your head. Your fingers dig into the fabric of his shirt and your tears soil it thoroughly.

You sob in Ushijima’s arms until you have no tears left.

\--

Ushijima stays up with you until your dad comes home from work. He holds your hand when you tell your dad that your brother is gone for good.

Talking about it again would normally make you cry, but you’ve cried so much the few hours prior that you don’t have any tears left. You grip Ushijima’s hand tightly as you wait for your dad’s response. You watch him warily, suddenly noticing all the new wrinkles on his face and the way his eyes appear so solemn and distant.

Your dad doesn’t cry. He slowly reaches across the dining table for your other hand and squeezes it gently. He says nothing and just smiles sadly.

You don’t remember the next few weeks that go by. You fall back into the routine you’re used to and enter autopilot mode. You go through your daily activities just like any other day. You pick up your bun, you water grandma’s flowers, you go to school. You go to practice and play the same way you do. You go to work and on your way home, your feet take you to the park before you realize you don’t have a reason to go there anymore. You make it home and study late into the night. It becomes such a mundane routine for you, the days all blur together.

On Saturdays, Ushijima runs over to your house to have breakfast together. You watch the morning children’s shows together on the couch. You go to the park and share a strawberry popsicle. You cry in his arms as he strokes the back of your head.

You feel utterly empty inside. It doesn’t feel like you’re truly living now that your little brother is gone. You’re just getting by.

One night, you come back late from work but as you walk down the street, you notice the lights in your house are already on. _That can’t be right… Dad is supposed to come home after me._

You hesitantly open the front door and quietly shuffle to the kitchen. You should probably be more alarmed that there might be someone in your home but you’re too exhausted to worry. Maybe you forgot to turn off the lights when you left for work.

You enter your kitchen and realize you’ve come home to Ushijima pacing around the dining table. He has a hand in his pocket and an arm slung around a large bouquet of flowers. There’s a cake on the table, balloons hanging from the ceiling and a card resting on the table. You blink and read the little letters on the card.

_“Happy Birthday to the Best Sister in the World.”_

You blink a few more times and until a tear trickles down your cheek. You’ve been so empty the past few weeks, you’ve completely forgotten that your birthday is today. You rub your eyes with the back of your hand and Ushijima watches you in horror. His eyes tell you that he’s probably panicking, worrying that it was too big of a gesture and you were feeling too overwhelmed by it.

However, you’re crying happy tears. You don’t recall it ever happening to you before. You suppose you could get used to them if he’s the reason for making you this happy.

Takeru was right; you are happy with Ushijima. Through your tears, you begin to laugh.

Ushijima reacts fast enough to drop the bouquet as you leap at him, grabbing onto his neck and throwing your legs around him. He’s startled as he stumbles backwards and his lips quiver into a smile as he wraps his arms around you to keep you from falling.

You’re not sure what comes over you, but you lean in and kiss him chastely on the lips. Somewhere in the back of your head, you can hear Takeru screaming _“Gross!”_

You pull away from his lips and lean your forehead against his, a smile playing on both of your lips.

“Thank you, Wakatoshi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who has made it to this point; the silent readers, the bookmarkers, the ones dropping kudos, the commenters. it means a lot to me that you've followed through with me till the conclusion of the story! i hope you all enjoyed the progression of the relationships and hopefully, the satisfaction of an ending. feel free to comment your thoughts, i appreciate any feedback for future writing.
> 
> hope to see you all next time :) in the works of outlining a new fic...


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